JusJoJan – Sunday – January 27th

JusJoJan January 27th

I haven’t been reading posts so January is almost gone. I won’t be going back and trying to catch up.

Life is difficult with dad’s stroke and dementia. I had no idea what a stroke does to you. He is DNR (do not resuscitate). I wasn’t happy years ago when my parents told me their desire for this, but they legally made up living wills. When my mom passed 5 years ago I began to understand the sense it made. My mom suddenly was not responding. Even with the DNR it took about 10 days for her to finally pass. No one wanted to see her like that for who knows how long not to mention the immense expense that could arise. I am fine with my dad’s DNR. He is suffering right now and he wants to go and if assisted suicide was legal he would be all for it. Although now he is not really of sound mine most of the time so it wouldn’t be allowed anyhow I am sure. He is living in a long term care center which is just a fancy name for nursing home. He is mad at us a lot of the time because we have to sell his assets to pay for his care. This isn’t easy anyhow as his house is old, outdated and simply needs to be completely re-made over and there is an expensive retaining wall in the back yard fally down which will run from $10,000 to $20,000 to fix. We are not fixing the house up because the government is going to get whatever money we make over the reverse mortgage lien. We are waiting for Medicaid to kick in as it costs us $10,000 a month to keep him there and we, well he, is paying for that.

Tessa –

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Strokes suck the life out of all concerned

My dad’s dementia is getting much worse. He isn’t lucid very often.

We just had to go to the hospital as he was not responding and waking up. He WAS awake, but pretending he was not conscious because he was sure the nurse’s and aides were alien monster doctors and they wanted to eat his brains. The last time he wasn’t responding there was something wrong but this time it was strictly fear. He thinks everyone in his facility is an alien and bad ones most of them. An expensive hospital visit because of his dementia. I only hope he doesn’t keep doing this one. An expense for nothing. I understand why they had to send him, but I hope he doesn’t keep doing this.

Tessa –

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Long Term Care (Nursing Home) Antics

My dad is in long term care now and is still patient pays while we sell his assets and get the government’s (Medicaid) help to pay for it. The house is a wreck and has a reverse mortgage on it which needs to be paid first so not sure what we might get toward his health care from that. He has an older car and some other assets.

Now we never know what kind of day he will be having when we visit. Sometimes he will refuse to talk to us, sometimes he takes a few minutes to figure out who we are, sometimes he tells us how proud he is that we are (my sister and I) are taking care of him and sometimes he tells us we are taking his belongings and making him stay in this place. Today was a good day. My sister, my aunt and cousin were there and all of a sudden my dad says “if anyone knows of a job let me know.” Dementia is kicking in. We are trying to explain to him why he doesn’t need a job and assure him he will be taken care of. Thankfully dinner came then and we could avoid continuing that conversation.

Tessa –

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

He has been talking about Zee and Zeke the aliens that come to him. Finally found out today that they are real people, ones an aide and the other works there. They are aware that he thinks they are aliens. Sometimes you just got to laugh.

Now on the annoying side is all the women there have a crush on him and I can’t convince them I am not his wife so they spend the whole time pointing at me and talking about me. They were really making quite a scene of it today and it’s embarrassing.

 

Family Christmas Party Went Well

The party went pretty well. There were a few strange spots, but for the most part he was in pretty good shape. This will probably be the last one, but who knows. Next year is still a year away and too early to make plans.

My pain is just a little bit better, but improvement is appreciated. I have started reading again quite a bit. I am reading a book to see about joining a book club at the library and there is a writing class I am trying to pre-register for, but her phone number is not working. The meeting is still on the schedule they told me. I need some inspiration to write some more. Just haven’t felt like it.

I am suffering from an eating disorder so have to start working with my therapist about that. This is the first time I have admitted it so step one is completed.

Tessa –

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Dementia Is Horrible

Dementia increasing. Never know what he is going to say or do. We are having a family Christmas party tomorrow. Hope he is in a receptive mood.

I am finally getting some relief in my spinal area that has been so horribly painful. Finally having some times without pain, thank God!

Merry Christmas from my son and I!

Tessa –

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Stroke vs Dementia – not a winning combination

My dad is a gentle and kind man. The other day (he is now in long term care) he struck out at a woman who was touching him and he grabbed her arm and threatened to twist her neck if she didn’t stop touching his ears. They called my sister as this is not normal behavior for him, but it took her hours to talk to him and try to bring him back to reality. This is what we have to look forward to.

We have to get his house sold, car etc. as he is almost broke and we are still waiting on the government to come through with his Medicaid to pay for the Long Term Care. He is now cash pay or whatever term they use.

I am not much help as I am still in tremendous back pain. I had the nerves deadened 3 weeks ago, but not helping much yet if at all. I occasionally will get a break, but that is usually when I am laying down.

Tessa –

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

The Scammers Weren’t Lucky-God Will Provide

For one thing they caught me at the end of the month and so there was very little left in account and two I had considerably more than that in my secret hiding place that I keep for emergencies. Yes I miss it, but it would have been gone if my car broke down and I didn’t have enough here to cover it in my emergency stash.

My son was happy to see me taking it positively for a change and not moaning or groaning and beating myself up. Like I said the same thing would have happened if I had an emergency. Those people will get their payback as what goes around comes around.

I believe what I need will be provided by God if it comes to that. I am living on very little and even saving some so in a few months at the most I will have regained it back barring a real emergency.

Physically I am still suffering. The radio wave frequency procedure did not work. I am still in a lot of pain, plus for months now my spine has been moving and I am terrified that eventually I will need surgery. When it moves it sometimes cracks real loud and it also makes me feel paralyzed for several minutes. I worry that one day it is going to not go back in place and I will stay paralyzed for real. Still trying to get a hold of the dr. I have been speaking to underlings who can’t do much, but this last one is going to try and get my refill for narcotics prescription appointment changed to a regular one so I can talk to the dr, but even that is Wednesday. My appointment for a checkup for the procedure is the 19th. Going to the Emergency Room at this moment won’t help. There is nothing they can do unless it really does paralyze me.

40 years of adult chronic pain and all the pain I had as a child. It is time DEAR GOD for some relief, please, I pray to you.

If I become unable to take care of myself what does it leave but a nursing home for me. My kids can’t take me in. One could try, but he is planning on leaving the state and going down south. The other two have no room for me. I am sure they would do their best for me, but it is scary. And I don’t want to be any more of a burden than I already am.

I just gathered the trash and recycles and my rent check (plus I picked up my mail) and took it downstairs. Of course that has totally aggravated my back. I just took a pain pill not that they feel like they are working.

I have had to take a longer break from visiting dad since my sister is home. Getting in and out of the car hurts and is becoming harder and then there is a very long walk to the facility from the parking lot and then to his room. I was going once a week. Half the time he is blaming me for making the decision with my sister to put him in the long term care center once his rehab is done. He wants to go home and at times he is lucid and knows he isn’t making him mad at us although the other day he did make a statement to us that he thanks us for taking care of him. My brother has no real interest to help and isn’t around here anyhow. He lives down south and is broke so it is up to my sister and I to make sure he is taken care of. Which we gladly do as he is our father and we love him and he took care of us. Although when he is screaming at you for not letting him go home and drive his car it is hard not to explode. My sister told me if he does that just tell him you have to leave. He won’t remember it anyway. It is hard to see such a strong, proud man withering away.

Tessa –

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

The stroke is progressing and not in a good way

My dad is very confused and it is just continually getting worse. He insists they load them in trucks and take him to his house and the house is all lit up. He doesn’t understand why he can’t have his car out in the parking lot. He doesn’t understand why he can’t drive and that he won’t be driving ever again. He insisted today that he has a landlord. This was bad enough watching my mom go through this and she came up with some real good ones too.

I hope I go in my sleep. He has no idea what he is doing at this point and I thank God for that. Since dementia runs in my family there is a good chance that I will go through it. I would like to apologize in advance to my children. I won’t remember it which is the only good part.

My back is killing me. I overdid it the other day and then again today. They are supposed to deaden the nerves on the 21st. I hope it works.

Tessa –

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Why can’t people mind their own damn business??

As those following me know that my dad had a stroke on July 19th of this year. At first it didn’t seem so bad. There was hope that all the rehab (3 facility changes) would help and maybe he could go home. MAYBE!

It was still iffy, but then the decline started.  Brain cells were still dying and confusion was setting in. Now we are seeing signs of Dementia.  My mom and her mom had it for years. An episode is scary and draining. Then they come out of it for a while and you begin to hope again.

We have had to face reality. He will need 24/7 care and he can’t afford it and that is just one person and there are times during his confusion that he needs 2 or more people. We can’t predict when that will happen either. He is facing heart attack possibilities and another stroke is more than likely. My sister and I have done a lot of talking and crying, but finally had to make the decision that he will be going to long term care (another name for nursing home) when they deem him no longer progressing or Medicare runs out, one or the other. He will stay in this facility just move to the long term unit as soon as a bed opens up.

At times he forgets this is going to happen and thinks he is going home and we have another heart-breaking conversation about it the fact that he isn’t going home and he won’t be driving again either. He has left side neglect. His world is very small and causes alot of fear on his part as he thinks everything is gone and he is going to be put out in only the clothes (usually wet) on his back. He called my sister in the middle of the night scared and saying they took everything away. She was up all night in fear and crying and didn’t know whether trying to go to the center would help or not. No number for the nurses station either. This is all heartbreaking. Obviously the man can’t go home. He can’t be alone. He has been trying to practice walking so he can go home and he is falling.

So here come the busy-bodies who have to upset us more as they heap the guilt on us. How terrible we are to do this to him. It is up to us to keep him safe and this is the only way it can be done. He doesn’t have the money to hire all these people. We are struggling trying to figure out his financial standing and how much we have to pay for this place in cash and hope that medicaid kicks in in time to start paying for it before he runs out of money. We have to liquidate everything he owns. He had a list of who he wanted to have of his belongings. That is null and void. Everything must go and they will go over the last 5 years of his finances. He doesn’t have much.

Back to the busy-bodies. They thought he was well off and that we are just trying to take his money. He had a reverse mortgage on his home, well he still does as we haven’t gotten to that part yet and a small nest egg that allowed him a frugal living, but he was happy. He was very frugal, but there were times he spent a bit of money on something he wanted or for my mom before she passed 5 years ago today. Damn just remembered the date. Here come the tears again.

I am tired of telling people to mind their own damn business.

Tessa –

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

The Family Of Stroke Victims Seen From The Inside

My dad is literally disappearing before our eyes. They don’t tell us much and until today I refrained from looking up symptoms, info and support groups. I need them. I am constantly bothering my therapist who is willing to help me out, but I need to understand more about what is going to possibly happen and be prepared.

My sister is strong. She doesn’t let her emotions ride on her sleeve. Is she scared? Of course she is. She just holds it better. She makes all decisions only when the two of us have talked over what is best for dad and agree to it.

He is losing his memories as his brain continues to die. He doesn’t want to live anymore and wants to be with mom. I understand this and he is letting things go we think. We don’t blame him. He wants to go and as much as that hurts it is something he has a right to want. He has an advanced directive and it states what he wants or doesn’t want. Currently his heart is strong. Heart attack is not likely right now. He talks suicide, but that shouldn’t be easy for him to do. We figure the most he can do is to stop eating and drinking and he has a directive that says no feeding tube or fluids except pain medicine. He hasn’t given up yet, still eating and drinking so he isn’t seriously thinking suicide yet.

The poor man is proud and now he has to have help using the bathroom and is incontinent so wears diapers. He whispers how embarrassed he is. I don’t blame him and right now if I pass over I would rather go in my sleep. We saved him and he doesn’t remember life and how you do things or anything new. Long term memory is going slower. Short term faster.

I am off to look up strokes and find a support group.

Tessa –

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com