Pain, Knee Injection, Psycho-Analysis

Due to my upcoming steroid injection in my knee on Tuesday I had to cut out any pain killer that is an NSAID. If used it could cause dangerous bleeding. So by cutting out my Meloxicam, the pain became worse.

I have spent most of the last few days in bed. Laying down is less painful than sitting. If I had a couch I could sit with my legs straight, but since I don’t have one, sitting in a 4 legged chair or my computer chair is quite painful.

My knee is not the only painful area. My back is still a problem. I still feel my spine moving and popping. My whole body is an issue.

I mentioned that I was losing my therapist and then the whole office was closing down. My last appointment was last Tuesday, well I slept right through it. In a way, I am glad, since that eliminated the emotional part. I figure since I am not in a panic, that things are good and maybe it is time to let it go for good.

I still have my psychiatric nurse who prescribes my medications for my mental issues and is willing to talk if I need it. She does therapy too, but way out of my budget.

I can’t take much more of this pain and need to lie down again. The longer I am without my NSAID the worse my arthritis pain gets. Getting there on Tuesday and then having only a local anesthetic I am going to really be in pain. I can’t be knocked out unless I go to a surgical center or the hospital due to my BMI since I am obese. I have been knocked out with no problems, but new laws won’t allow it done in a procedure center at the pain management office. If what they give me is an anesthetic I would hate to have it without. The pain is tremendous. They tell me it will just feel like a bee sting. I would like that bee to sting them. That is the worse bee sting I have ever had.

My neighbor is driving me home. I drove myself last time. It was possible, but having someone drive you is much more comfortable. My dad used to drive me before he had a stroke.

Can’t wait until it is over.

Tessa – 

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Author of a book, a work in progress on the blog, https://tessacandoit.com/government-property-a-memoir-as-a-military-wife/

Highlighted chapters are done and ready to be read.

Bipolar Brain – Poem

Bipolar Brain
by Teresa Dean Smeigh
copyright October 2015

I wish my brain would
Give up its secrets easily.
Not drag them out should
I start to act uneasily.

Sneaky memories pushed out
By horrible nightmares.
No one cares so much about
My hidden awful cares.

Are these memories true?
Or just triggered by my dreams.
They come in out of the blue.
And some just give me screams.

On top of the World!

One moment I am on top of the world

and the next I am feeling blue, blue, blue.

Such is the life when you have mood swings.

My doctor calls it Bipolar Disorder 2.

Tessa

Why I Write!

I write to keep my demons at bay

darkness descends, I long for day.

Putting my demons on the page

helps me lessen the terrible rage.

The rage within must not get out!

Tessa –

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

The Path

The Path —- BY TESSA

She never chose the easy life path.
She had to cut, hack out her swath.

She searched for her method of attack,
But knew she had to find a working tack.

There were days she got ahead,
But most were days she learned to dread.

Over and over she did the same things.
Hoping for success or that she would grow wings.

Wings would take her here and there.
She wouldn’t have to cut through anywhere.

Tessa –

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

PTSD (Non-Fiction)

I also suffer from PTSD (see definition below) and here are the stories behind the cause of this issue and which I still haven’t worked out yet.

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Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)  — By Mayo Clinic Staff

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that’s triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.

Many people who go through traumatic events have difficulty adjusting and coping for a while, but they don’t have PTSD — with time and good self-care, they usually get better. But if the symptoms get worse or last for months or even years and interfere with your functioning, you may have PTSD.

Getting effective treatment after PTSD symptoms develop can be critical to reduce symptoms and improve function.

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 At the age of 15 I had a regular babysitting job with a family that had 2 little children and a 13 year old boy. They didn’t want to tie their teen boy down to babysitting every Friday and Saturday. For a while the job was great, but then one night the boy came home with a friend and they had been drinking and decided to try and rape me. I managed to get away and lock myself and the 2 little ones in the bathroom til they left. I never told anyone and to this day I can’t even remember if I went back.

At the age of 16 I had a 22 year old boyfriend. Bad news and my parents weren’t happy with it, but they knew that forbidding it would just lead to me sneaking out instead. Well they were right, he was bad news. He took me to a party, tried to get me drunk, he was drunk and tried to rape me. I managed to get away again. He was too drunk to hold on to me. I found another ride home, but that was even closer than the 2 young boys.

At the age of 17 I had another boyfriend and you would think I would have learned something, but this was slightly different. He didn’t physically try to rape me, he emotionally raped me. He told me that if I didn’t have sex with him that we would break up and we had just gotten back together. I couldn’t handle the rejection and gave in. I hated him and myself. He ruined our relationship at that point because that was worse than the 2 other attempts. I was not ready to lose my virginity, but felt I had no choice. Blackmail is an ugly thing. I didn’t want to be touched by that point. It disgusted me.

September 11, 2001 – The Twin Towers Tragedy. To this day I am still terrified every time I see and hear a plane and since I live near an airport and the planes are constantly flying over I cringe and wait for the explosion. I didn’t know how it was going to be when we flew to Florida a few years ago. I managed though. It just seems to be watching them and hearing them fly over that does it.

Tessa –

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Auditory Hallucinations

I have mentioned hallucinations before I think. The visual ones are scary at times, funny even, but the auditory ones are more difficult to deal with.

Imagine a dark room and then someone clearly calls your name. I am partially deaf and to hear it that clear they would need to be standing near me. There is no one there. Sometimes it is the same voice and the other times have varied. The other one is that I hear music in a completely quiet house. How are you supposed to sleep when a marching band is running through the quiet. Or Christmas songs are playing and I hate Christmas. VERY DISTURBING!

Tessa –

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Precarious Perch

Precarious Perch —- By Tessa

Precarious Perch,

Gripping for my sanity,

Must not let it go.

Tessa –

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Owwiiee! The torture continues!

Now I know he is doing this for my own good and maybe some day I will thank him, but right now I want to go ape shit on him. He is lucky he is my son and therefore a loved one because my doctors gets it full feelings in my funny/sarcastic way. Or perhaps at the top of my lungs depending on my mood. My psycho-therapist and I have had shouting matches. I am stubborn too so that doesn’t help when I get an idea in my head.

Yesterday’s walk was too much and today I am paying for it. I have severe back pain and spasms. Seems to me I got the last spasms from him making me walk. Now we only walked .4 miles and about 15 minutes the doctor’s requirement, but I can’t start that high. 5 minutes tops the first few days. So my son has decided if I am going to go only 5 minutes then I have to do it every day no matter what. I don’t see it that way and I count the walks through the grocery stores and the hike from the car. He doesn’t.

Now that he is a certified personal trainer I am really in trouble. He had to study nutrition with that and so my diet is under siege. Now I know I should eat better. I am overweight and have Diabetes Type 2. I know from experience that losing just 20 or so lbs can make a difference in my blood pressure and glucose numbers. I need to lose 120 lbs to get back to my regular body weight for my size (super short).

Now one of the ways the fibro doctors think helps the pain is to eliminate carbohydrates, white flour products (I think there is something else, but have forgotten it) and gluten from your diet. There goes everything I eat. I hate foods that are GOOD for you. Really hate them and add that to my compulsive eating which is of course everything that is bad for me and I eat from boredom, pain or whatever. I have no self control in a depressed state for sure. I don’t care! Manic I am more apt to follow the daily recommended diet.

Now the good thing about this is that I have a guardian now, which I really needed. He doesn’t buy my excuses and he knows that most of them are excuses. I will admit that. I am good for making excuses. I am also lazy, undisciplined and used to people leaving me alone. When your son lives with you it doesn’t work that way.

Tessa –

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Hypersexuality/BiPolar Disorder— my story (2015)

Excerpted from: Bipolar Disorder & Sex (this affected me, please read after the excerpt)

As with other aspects of living with bipolar disorder, sexuality and sexual activity can swing back and forth between periods of hyper sexuality during a manic phase, and complete loss of sex drive during a depressive episode.

This can wreak havoc on relationships and a person’s sexual self-esteem.

Sexuality During Mania

Hyper-sexuality is an increased level of interest in sex or increased amount of sexual activity that can seem out of control. It is characterized by:

• never feeling sexually satisfied despite engaging in a lot of sexual
  activity
• sex drive that seems out of control
• not having sexual gratification
• having sex with multiple sex partners, including strangers
• excessive masturbation
• having continuous affairs and putting relationships at risk
• inappropriate and risky sexual behavior
• sex is used as a “painkiller” to avoid intimacy and other aspects of human relations that are feared
• not having emotional satisfaction from sex
• poor sexual impulse control
• preoccupation with sexual thoughts
• possible increase in use of pornography

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have had Bipolar Disorder since I was a very young child. I also had no self-esteem. As I think back to my teenage years I think about the way I dressed and the way I acted. My self-esteem was built on how I looked to men. I wore sexy items, mini skirts and tight sweaters or even short shorts and halters. I was 4’11” and weighed only 86 lbs and had a large bust.  I paraded around this way and felt good if a man noticed and felt even better if they almost ran off the road. I had no idea why I acted this way. (Now I am over twice my weight and don’t dress like that) Now I experienced most of what is in the list above. Not all men care what your size is and I was out of control on the Internet finding men to have sex with. I couldn’t even tell you how many strangers I had sex with. I was lucky I was never hurt. However, as a 15 and 16 year old I had 2 attempted rapes. I was able to get away as the guys were drunk and I wasn’t. My therapist was horrified when I told him, but he was concerned for my safety. I told him I hadn’t done that for many years now. I have more control of myself, but barely. When I am fully manic I have to fight for control. I fantasize a lot and write erotic stories to try and calm myself down. Of course sometimes it just winds me up more. I have plenty of batteries. 🙂

Teresa Dean Smeigh at age 16

Tessa –

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com