Family Christmas 2019

Dad and I

4 generations of family

Tessa – 

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Author of a book, a work in progress on the blog, https://tessacandoit.com/government-property-a-memoir-as-a-military-wife/

Highlighted chapters are done and ready to be read.

Ow!! My son is torturing me!

He is not purposely torturing me, just wanted to get your attention.

However, he is enforcing my doctor’s requirements. He just got his personal training certification and he knows more about my situation and agrees with the doctors.

Every day I get:

1. did you take your medicine?
2. did you drink the required amount of water?
3. and then he drags me out to walk whether I want to or not.

He hates all the medications I take. He thinks I shouldn’t be taking them and he won’t even put aspirin in his body. He tells me I am always drugged up and slurring my words. He parks way far from where we are going and makes me walk. I have a handicapped placard. He rarely lets me use it. He plans to study more on nutrition. I get that from him too. I know I shouldn’t be eating like I do.

I am complaining, but he is doing it for my own good and I love him for it.

Tessa –

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Owwiiee! The torture continues!

Now I know he is doing this for my own good and maybe some day I will thank him, but right now I want to go ape shit on him. He is lucky he is my son and therefore a loved one because my doctors gets it full feelings in my funny/sarcastic way. Or perhaps at the top of my lungs depending on my mood. My psycho-therapist and I have had shouting matches. I am stubborn too so that doesn’t help when I get an idea in my head.

Yesterday’s walk was too much and today I am paying for it. I have severe back pain and spasms. Seems to me I got the last spasms from him making me walk. Now we only walked .4 miles and about 15 minutes the doctor’s requirement, but I can’t start that high. 5 minutes tops the first few days. So my son has decided if I am going to go only 5 minutes then I have to do it every day no matter what. I don’t see it that way and I count the walks through the grocery stores and the hike from the car. He doesn’t.

Now that he is a certified personal trainer I am really in trouble. He had to study nutrition with that and so my diet is under siege. Now I know I should eat better. I am overweight and have Diabetes Type 2. I know from experience that losing just 20 or so lbs can make a difference in my blood pressure and glucose numbers. I need to lose 120 lbs to get back to my regular body weight for my size (super short).

Now one of the ways the fibro doctors think helps the pain is to eliminate carbohydrates, white flour products (I think there is something else, but have forgotten it) and gluten from your diet. There goes everything I eat. I hate foods that are GOOD for you. Really hate them and add that to my compulsive eating which is of course everything that is bad for me and I eat from boredom, pain or whatever. I have no self control in a depressed state for sure. I don’t care! Manic I am more apt to follow the daily recommended diet.

Now the good thing about this is that I have a guardian now, which I really needed. He doesn’t buy my excuses and he knows that most of them are excuses. I will admit that. I am good for making excuses. I am also lazy, undisciplined and used to people leaving me alone. When your son lives with you it doesn’t work that way.

Tessa –

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Another member of our family – Dash – 2015

This is our dog Dash!

Dash came from a local rescue center. He is my dad’s dog more than mine. I have the cat. Update – dad in long term care and Dash is with one of dad’s friends who brings him to visit occasionally and I ended up giving the cat to my son, she preferred him.

Tessa –

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Terrified! – 2015

I just woke up from some very terrifying dreams/hallucinations or you can laugh if you want a ghost. My whole family believes in ghosts, my mother was a medium and I have been plagued with seeing things since I was young. Could it have been the Bipolar Disorder instead? Then I would have to say that the whole family is plagued by it and I don’t see that. But that is a whole other story. Right now I am dealing with a loss of reality at times. I don’t always feel asleep.

Today was the worst. I couldn’t wake myself up, part of the time I felt awake and that I really and truly heard and saw things. I get a feeling of evil in my mind. Is it in my mind or is it real? Am I losing touch with reality again? I have a little before but this is way past that.

I have told my doctors, but they don’t seem extra concerned, but then the nightmares that I have discussed are family of sorts and they are trying to kill me, every damn night. My doctor says this won’t go away until I forgive the person. I can’t see that happening since the incident happened many years ago when I was a child and I am 62 now. Don’t think forgiving is happening.

But now I hear people calling my name, touching me (ick), and just plain crazy stuff and I can’t wake up if I am asleep. Don’t know what is happening to me. I don’t want to go back to the hospital again. That was horrendous on its own.

Oh I know this sounds crazy and I have to email my psyche nurse who prescribes my medications. Is it them? Is it me? Is it a ghost? I don’t think that person is really trying to kill me. And now my whole family is involved in these crazy dreams.

Tessa –

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Mom’s Memorial Bench – 10/05/13

Taken by Teresa Dean Smeigh

I am fairly sure I have mentioned the loss of my mother in October 2013. Hard to believe so much time has passed.

Mom suffered from Parkinson’s Disease for approximately 30 plus years. My Dad was her sole caregiver.

Anyhow they just put a fairly new park in our township and they were offering benches with a memory tag (white card in center). Dad wanted one for mom and had the card read her name and date of birth and date of death. It happened that we were given the spot near the gazebo which is the nicest park of the park.

Love you and miss you Mom. You will never be forgotten.

Tessa

Nightmares – 2015 originally

Every night or nap I have terrible nightmares. Sometimes really evil feeling ones that scare the hell out of me and wake me up and I am afraid to open the door because I might not find that life exists outside that door. There are regular ones and ones that are even happy.

Now I have had bad dreams all my life, but they seem worse now and I wonder if it has to do with all the medications I take. Psychological drugs and pain medications do tend to bring on different types of dreams I understand.

However the ones the ones that bother me most I hesitate to mention. They are horrible, sometimes violent dreams where he, my ex-husband, becomes a real monster of a person. Is my self conscious playing with my feelings and turning them into these horrible nightmares that I have at least one of these a day???? Sometime I can’t tell even if it is real until I wake up. If he reads this or my kids I don’t want to hurt their feelings, but it is affecting me strongly. My therapist has no real idea other than that I am working things out in my head. My marriage was over 20 years ago, ENOUGH ALREADY!

Tessa

Needle Phobia…March 7, 2015

Photo taken by Teresa Dean Smeigh

 

I can’t wait for Spring, hence the picture. It counteracts the snow yesterday although there is still dirty snow around here.

I wanted to talk about my needle phobia. As a small child they had to chase me down the hall to give me my immunizations and the monthly antibiotic for the mouth infection. I had tonsillitus every month.

At 18 or 19 years old I had fallen carrying a bottle, smashing the bottle in my hand. By the time my dad got me to the Emergency Room I was infected. They cleaned out the glass and wanted to do a tetanus shot. I freaked out, yelling and screaming. My dad says, “Haven’t you grown out of  that yet.” Uh no I haven’t I wanted to shriek.

At 30 my dad took me to same day surgery and while he was waiting with me they came in with a tray of needles and I froze. I can’t scream again. I embarrass the poor man all the time. So I zipped my lips shut. No sound reached him. I was so happy.

AT around 40 something I fell and needed a tetanus shot. I didn’t say a word.

I now get 2 or 3 injections of Lidocaine and a slight steroid at the rheumatologists every 3 months and I don’t scream at all. They say exposure makes you used to it since I am 58 now and finally stopped screaming over needles.

Today’s visit I got 2 injections into my trigger point in my knee and hip. OUCH!!! My Fibromyalgia is just getting worse and he has nothing left to try. He will only give me 60mg and I have to get the other 30mg from my Psychiatric nurse who prescribes the extra 30mg for my psychiatric problems.

Please excuse any mistakes found. I have a new keyboard and it sucks so far. I hope I get used to it.

My son did drive me, for inquiring minds that want to know.

Tessa

Snow Therapy…March 5, 2015

Photo belongs to Teresa Dean Smeigh

This is the snow at 3:00 PM. Still snowing now.

The snow was supposed to start around  2 AM, but at 6 AM or so it was still raining. We thought they screwed it up again. My son went to work only to be sent home again a couple of hours later.

I looked outside off and on, or should I say every time I woke up. Finally I realized it was snowing like crazy. I had a therapy appointment today and so I called the office to see if anyone was there. No one was so I left a message and worried. They called and said they were open, but they wouldn’t penalize anyone for not showing up due to inclement weather. Thing was I needed to go.

My dad said absolutely not (I am 58 years old not 2) and my son said I wasn’t to drive (who’s the mother here?). Finally my son said he would drive me. I am glad because I hate driving in snow.

I showed my therapist this blog. I started it partly for him and partly for me and to also help me remember my life because to be honest I don’t remember much of my childhood and he is interested in how my childhood helped create the me that I am now.

I trudged through the snow back to the parking garage and we left and decided to pick up something to eat while we were out.

Almost an hour since I took the picture and it is still snowing like crazy.

I need to go to tomorrow’s appointment because it is with my rheumatologist and I am in severe pain. My Fibromyalgia is getting worse despite the Cymbalta.

Soon the men will have to shovel again as it was piling up as they were shoveling.

Tessa

Hugging – from 2015

I have a deep aversion to hugging anyone. My therapist wanted me to start journaling (4 years ago LOL) when I first started seeing him regularly, weekly at first but then loss of insurance and then lower income forced me to go every other week. He wanted me to work on my issues from my childhood. I don’t particularly like writing about my awful childhood. I would not want to relive it for anything and believe me my life right now is not a picnic.

I was in either the 6th or 7th grade when I laid down the law on my parents. “Do not touch or hug me, DO NOT!” I shrieked at them and I know they were hurt and appalled. I can see that now, but then all I knew is that I didn’t want hugs period. They did what I requested and no more hugs or arms around my shoulders or whatever. No touching. Except for spankings on the few occasions I did something wrong LOL! That was rare as I was a “Goodie Two Shoes” though.

Working through my therapy when I first discussed this with my therapist , I wasn’t really sure why I did that. To be honest I still am uncomfortable with hugs though, but have grown up enough to handle it without hurting peoples feelings. I have even been able to initiate a hug.

My thoughts on this are that I found touching/hugging to be something that is part of the intimate part of life and therefore I should not be touched by anyone that I am not intimate with. Is this the definite reason? I don’t know, but I do know that hugging an intimate partner does not bother me at all. It is a comfort. I know they say that hugging is supposed to be comforting, but I just don’t see it in certain situations. It is just one of my idiosyncrasies. Certainly not the only one, not the last one either I am sure.

Is this what you are looking for Doc?

Tessa