Bipolar Brain
by Teresa Dean Smeigh
copyright October 2015
I wish my brain would
Give up its secrets easily.
Not drag them out should
I start to act uneasily.
Sneaky memories pushed out
By horrible nightmares.
No one cares so much about
My hidden awful cares.
Are these memories true?
Or just triggered by my dreams.
They come in out of the blue.
And some just give me screams.
I just woke up from some very terrifying dreams/hallucinations or you can laugh if you want a ghost. My whole family believes in ghosts, my mother was a medium and I have been plagued with seeing things since I was young. Could it have been the Bipolar Disorder instead? Then I would have to say that the whole family is plagued by it and I don’t see that. But that is a whole other story. Right now I am dealing with a loss of reality at times. I don’t always feel asleep.
Today was the worst. I couldn’t wake myself up, part of the time I felt awake and that I really and truly heard and saw things. I get a feeling of evil in my mind. Is it in my mind or is it real? Am I losing touch with reality again? I have a little before but this is way past that.
I have told my doctors, but they don’t seem extra concerned, but then the nightmares that I have discussed are family of sorts and they are trying to kill me, every damn night. My doctor says this won’t go away until I forgive the person. I can’t see that happening since the incident happened many years ago when I was a child and I am 62 now. Don’t think forgiving is happening.
But now I hear people calling my name, touching me (ick), and just plain crazy stuff and I can’t wake up if I am asleep. Don’t know what is happening to me. I don’t want to go back to the hospital again. That was horrendous on its own.
Oh I know this sounds crazy and I have to email my psyche nurse who prescribes my medications. Is it them? Is it me? Is it a ghost? I don’t think that person is really trying to kill me. And now my whole family is involved in these crazy dreams.
Tessa –
Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian
Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com
My mother always warned me to be careful what I wished for because I just might get it.
You know, mothers are pretty smart.
I was crying my tears of woe about my marriage at the time. I was not happy, my husband didn’t really care and I wanted out or so I thought.
When she walked into our life I thought it was what I wanted, but now it was too late because I had gotten what I had wished for and that was to be out of my marriage and that is exactly what happened. I was shocked. I wasn’t really thinking it would happen. NOT really!
There are many days I wish it would all be a dream and things were as they had been, but you can’t go back so easily.
I just woke up from a dream of a part of my pre-divorce life, crying.
ALWAYS BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!
Tessa – advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also devout Christian
Author – http://www.finallyawriter.wordpress.com (this blog contains my old work), new work is on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com
I can’t sleep and the pain isn’t helping. I had about 3 hours sleep and that usually means that it will take a few hours or more before I am ready to sleep again.
I am researching and watching videos on youtube.com about spinal fusion which is something I might have to go through. There are very few if any discs left in my spine and bone on bone is very painful. Spinal fusion is one way they fix it, however it is usually only one or two vertebrate that they fuse. I don’t know how bad mine is or if it is possible to fuse them.
The videos were kind of freaky although it did give me some hope as to recovery and being able to move again depending on what they end up doing. If I am lucky I can just have the steroid shots and live with the chronic pain, but maybe not. I already have nerve damage another consideration and the stenosis of the spine could cause more pinching of the nerves besides what they do see in there already. They only MRI’d the cervical and lumbar and I know there are some in the thoracic area as well.
I am freaking myself out, but can’t seem to stop looking at the info available. I need to know what can possibly happen.
I found out that the stenosis can cause involuntary bladder and bowel loss of control. I didn’t know that the incontinence of my bladder for the last 2 years could be caused by the stenosis. I don’t know if it is fixable or not. It says tell your dr immediately. Well I have mentioned it to many of my drs and no one seemed to be alarmed or care. Now it seems possible it is linked to my back pain and the spinal stenosis. I have to remember to bring it up to the pain dr while she is evaluating me for possible treatments.
2 weeks to pain management appointment. I hope the time moves quickly like the rest of my life is flying by. I want to get past all of this and am hoping surgery is not needed although from what I know and what I have researched it looks very possible.
Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh
-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses
-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems
http://www.finallyawriter.wordpress.com (moving posts to other blog and will be deleting this one).
The milkshake yesterday afternoon, raised my numbers a little bit. Not all the way back up, but up out of the normal range. Have to remember that. It was 133 this morning fasting. If I had fasted longer than 8 hours it might have been lower. I needed breakfast though so had to check it first.
Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh
-Advocate For Mental And Invisible Illnesses
-Author Of Articles, Stories And Poems
Depression probably causing the harsh dreams. Strange, rough edges. I fall asleep have a weird dream and wake up again. A very long night.
I had to take the BiPap machine off as the mask was giving me the creeps. Has been lately. Plus it just doesn’t fit right. I can’t sleep with it on. I think it is useless as it is.
The extra anti-depressant hasn’t kicked in yet. Usually takes 2 days of an extra dose. The mood stabilizer for the mania works much faster to ratchet me down.
I don’t know whether I want to sleep again or try at least or not. I have a touch of anxiety as well. I feel so alone. Nights like this I miss having a partner of some kind. Not for sex, just for company, to keep the monsters away.
My eyes are watering. Just tired or tears I am not sure.
I haven’t read any posts for a day or two. This depression started coming on last night, no I take that back it was Friday night. No writing of prompts. I did some email.
I think Susan gave me a sleeping prayer. Have to check it out. No it was for healing pain. Well that is fitting too and not just body pain. The body isn’t the only thing that needs healing.
If you don’t see me much you know that I am still fighting for a victory over the depression.
No matter how I feel I will keep up with the devotions if nothing else. That is part of God’s wish for me and I take my commitment seriously.
Tessa
Such a silly concept, but I am waking myself up during dreams now laughing at the funny ones and I hear the last echoes of the laughing and the other day I woke up with tears running down my face because someone I knew had died in the dream. I don’t have death dreams often, but I was crying pretty good that I woke myself up.
I remember the dream I had that my dad and my kids had died. I woke up in a somber mood and was terrified for days that it would come true. Some of my dreams do and I dream them in great detail and I know as soon as I see the first sign that it was coming true and I knew what would happen for the most part.
One of them I dreamed that our best friends from the Marine Corps had shown up for the weekend without a call to make sure we were there or not busy. Friday afternoon I came home from work to find a car sitting in the drive. I knew it. It was them. Luckily we got to spend a great weekend with them.
Another time I dreamed about a spot here in the community where it meets another community. You come around the curve and you are in the next one. I dreamed I came around and a cop was waiting for me. Always took that curve too fast. I hate driving 25 MPH. I came around and I saw a car 5 or 6 blocks down the street parked like a driver would park. I knew immediately it was a cop (I couldn’t see that far) and slowed down which he knew. I drove to my fate. I could see he was a cop by the time I got to the corner and I turned and he flipped on his lights and followed me.
He said good morning ma’am. I said good morning back and smiled my ravishing smile that has brought so many down LOL!.
He asked me where I was going and could he see my id? I said I am going to the gym, showed him my card around my neck and said my license is already in the trunk and I could get it for him. He said that would be ok he didn’t need to see it. Was this my car? Yes it was. No warrants or anything so he gave me nice quiet lecture on watching my speed and without looking at any other id he let me go. Being nice pays off.
So you can imagine why scary dreams really scare me besides the scare factor.
Tessa
I just went through quite a scary dream cycle. I am up even though I am tired because I don’t need that again. The little light I have is worth less. It was dark in here and the sleep music didn’t help. I think I made everything worse.
Just remember I am sleep blogging again. Anything is liable to come out. If I knew the secret to the world’s peace you could probably just ask nice for it. Shame I don’t know it. Nor more fighting sounds like a great idea to me, but then I’m a lover not a fighter. That has snuck out of my mouth a few times so you guys know my secrets anyhow. I am open and tell the world.
Full of typos and the wrong words, but I can’t get that dream out of my mind and I was trying to kill someone. That is so not me. At least it wasn’t my ex-Jerk. No he usually tries to kill me.
I am craving food. Have none. Didn’t have enough for dinner, my only meal and a pack of peanut butter crackers.
My head hurts where I teared at the scabs that were already bloody. I have to stop this. I am so lucky not to have had an infection in my head from scab ripping off and on my hands from ripping the skin off. Both disgusting self-harm techniques I have had most of life alone with pulling out my hair and biting my arm or hand to form teeth marks.
Dear God get this dream out of my head. My anxiety is heading off the charts and the more it does the more I self-harm.
At my chiropractor’s appointment he informed me I have an irregular shaped mark on my back and it needs to be checked out. Just one more issue. I already have to change my cat scan and my appointment to next month maybe. No extra $200 floating about this month. Now he thinks I need to go to the dermatologist and he is worried about skin cancer. I can’t even see it. My dad confirmed it is there. I have to see if my old dermatologist is on my insurance or I will need a new one and of course the ever-annoying referral for everything just about.
My son will be working this weekend. He found a 2 day job from a temp agency. He is working here and there, but he will need something steady soon. He is working his way through the money he had saved. The weekend will be weird with him going out to work in the afternoon til finish. He was offered an old job back again, but he said no. I said why I love the smell of chocolate. He came home smelling like a chocolate bar. He didn’t see the humor.
I should put my energy into reading emails. Over 2000. Don’t be surprised if something goes unanswered. There is not enough time in a day to go through all of them. I love my growing blogs, but it makes things harder to keep up and I haven’t kept up in months probably. Good and bad with everything.
I managed to wake myself up, but still have dreams running through my head. Maybe I should take a sleep pill and go back to bed in a little bit. It takes a while to work. I put a different relaxation music on.
The cat is driving me crazy again. She is a night prowler. I need to turn the lights out and climb in bed to get her to go downstairs and prowl.
Alright I will go back to reading again for a while.
Tessa
So tired of waking in a complete panic. I was having nightmares one of which was that I was back at work which scared the daylights out of me and then I woke up and tried to figure out if I worked or not. Thank God I don’t! I dream this way too many times. Can one have a mental breakdown from such dreams that they bring on panic attacks in the middle of sleeping?
I slept for over 9 hours and feel like crap again. I woke up at 5 AM, but I went to sleep early again last night. Due to a suggestion since my mood stabilizer causes insomnia I take that in the morning now. So that must mean the combo of the 2 mg of clonazepam and 90 mg of Cymbalta is now strong enough to put me to sleep. Yeah and nay. Good and bad. And the mood stabilizer in the day won’t allow a nap. Strong little bugger. At least I am sleeping now.
The cat is glaring at me again. She wants new fresh food non-stop day and night. She has food if she wants to eat.
I want to go back to sleep, but I tried and it didn’t work. Besides I had 9 hours.
Tessa
I have always seen, heard and felt things. In my household they were spirits. My drs think they are part of my mental illness. They think I hallucinate both auditory and visually. I am unsure. I always thought they were spirits. They could also be nightmares although I always swore I was awake and as I said they were believed in my household and I have seen some and heard some things that were really weird and I know I was awake.
My mother was considered a medium and she channeled people. People who knew things about me that she didn’t. I won’t get into everything I have lived through in my almost 60 years, but it started when I was a child and some of them I plan to write up eventually.
Tonight I went to bed at 8:30 and woke up at 12:30. I laid there trying to go back to sleep and I must have somewhat because I remember dreams. What has me freaked out now is I am sure I was awake and a voice was calling “Terri get up” (I go by Terri in my real life world since changing a name is a big thing, but I can write under Tessa since I like it better), but in addition to being called several times, something was running its hand up and down my leg. Real sensations. Up I come and on goes the big light again.
Now did I dream, hallucinate or am I just going crazy? Something calls my name a lot, but not used to the tactile feelings so much. That felt like I was being petted or rubbed lovingly.
Yes I know I need sleep. I am coming off of sleeping pills, but this is not new. It happens a lot. I do believe in things that go bump in the night. I wish they wouldn’t do it in my room.
I also hallucinate and the funniest items were these dancing Mahjong tiles that were dancing around my room. I stopped taking Gabapentin and that stopped. I also saw giant spiders crawling over the top of my bedroom door when I was in the bathroom. Still Gabapentin.
I am sure everyone has their own opinion on whether it was real or not.
Tessa
Tessa Can Do It - Positivity is Everything! 