Suppressing Memories

I have become more and more worried about my loss of memory. This isn’t new. It has certainly gotten worse and I blame a lot of that on the Fibro Fog. I also have Sleep Apnea which is another thing that causes memory loss, sleep deprivation.

My Bipolar has put me in situations that I don’t want to remember and I have successfully suppressed a lot of them. Although they tend to come to the surface again and cause me agony and then I suppress them again. I don’t feel able to deal with them even if they have been discussed at therapy (this was more with my old therapist than my current, although I know there are things I have suppressed that we haven’t talked about either). There are a lot of these situations that I just can’t go into on here because of my family. Some things they don’t need to know. It is hard enough on them dealing with my mental illnesses and attempted suicide, they don’t need all the details.

And DOC I know I need to get all of this out for me to work on it. Problem with me is that I can’t forgive some people. I have tried and it isn’t happening. I doubt it ever will. Forgiveness has to come from the heart and mind and I am deeply scarred by so many things and some of them happened when I was a teen. That was a long time ago. I can’t forgive myself for whatever part I played in it and therefore can’t forgive the other person(s) involved. I have to forgive myself somehow.

Today has been a strange day for me. I am feeling weird. Not manic/not depressed severely, but a little bit. I am waiting to see what the medication increase of my Cymbalta is going to do. It usually takes a while for the full effects to hit me.

I am managing to shower every other day, occasionally twice in a row. That is progress. BUT WHO KNOWS WHAT TOMORROW WILL BRING??

Tessa –

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Fibro Pain/Lidocaine vs Bipolar Disorder – 2015

I can’t begin to figure out which is worse. Mental vs Physical pain.

For my Fibro I get Lidocaine injections in the trigger points and I had to start using Lidocaine patches because I just can’t stand this pain any longer. I get some relief, but I use the patches more often than recommended. I am self-medicating again. I can’t sit, lie down or walk without severe pain. This of course adds to my depression because who wants to live like this forever. There is no cure. There are some things that might at times give you a break, but for the most part I am always in pain.

Yesterday my mood was pretty good, but just as quickly I am back to somewhat depressed. I was in a mixed state yesterday I think and I have bounced back the other way.

I am angry. I want to take it out on someone. Maybe breaking things would make me feel better. I only broke things one time and I have to admit it felt great. I was packing to move as the man whose apartment, my son and I were living in, had taken off leaving almost everything. I came to the box of Christmas balls. It was our first tree and my happiest Christmas. I picked up one of the balls and accidentally dropped it and realized it felt good when it broke. So I took the whole box and one by one I smashed and broke each one.

Tessa –

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Terrified! – 2015

I just woke up from some very terrifying dreams/hallucinations or you can laugh if you want a ghost. My whole family believes in ghosts, my mother was a medium and I have been plagued with seeing things since I was young. Could it have been the Bipolar Disorder instead? Then I would have to say that the whole family is plagued by it and I don’t see that. But that is a whole other story. Right now I am dealing with a loss of reality at times. I don’t always feel asleep.

Today was the worst. I couldn’t wake myself up, part of the time I felt awake and that I really and truly heard and saw things. I get a feeling of evil in my mind. Is it in my mind or is it real? Am I losing touch with reality again? I have a little before but this is way past that.

I have told my doctors, but they don’t seem extra concerned, but then the nightmares that I have discussed are family of sorts and they are trying to kill me, every damn night. My doctor says this won’t go away until I forgive the person. I can’t see that happening since the incident happened many years ago when I was a child and I am 62 now. Don’t think forgiving is happening.

But now I hear people calling my name, touching me (ick), and just plain crazy stuff and I can’t wake up if I am asleep. Don’t know what is happening to me. I don’t want to go back to the hospital again. That was horrendous on its own.

Oh I know this sounds crazy and I have to email my psyche nurse who prescribes my medications. Is it them? Is it me? Is it a ghost? I don’t think that person is really trying to kill me. And now my whole family is involved in these crazy dreams.

Tessa –

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Congratulations to me! 2015

I know that is a strange title because why would I congratulate myself. Now most people might think this is weird, but I know some of you out there will understand what I am saying here.

I showered and washed my hair yesterday AND today. Big deal you are probably muttering to yourself, but to me it is a big thing. I have been so severely depressed that I have showered MAYBE twice a week and washed some clothes every 3 or 4 weeks and no I don’t have that many clothes. Personal hygiene means nothing to me in that state. I lie in bed most of the night and day and was in my night gown during most of it.

Today I emptied the full basket of clean clothes and put them away and then I took down another load and actually washed, dried and put them away. You have to understand that these are major accomplishments when I am depressed.

I believe I am in a mixed state right now and hope to go just a little more towards the mania. Depends on the medications. I am finally getting into a mood where I can start on my hoard decluttering. While depressed I just throw things in piles or on the floor in piles. Right now I have a small walk-thru cleared in here and that is the important thing. The cat is lying on a pile of cat food cans I have not put away. Of course she hopes I will open another one for her.

Tessa

Procrastination with Bipolar Disorder

When procrastination becomes a way of life, it might have turned into an avoidant behavior. This is quite common in people with bipolar disorder.

excerpt from: Bipolar.about.com

I have had procrastination since I was a young child. I had Bipolar Disorder as well. Now I find that there is a connection. I never do anything until the very last moment. School reports were always done the night before.

I do have to admit though I work better under pressure. It forces me to do things I don’t want to do and I usually do a better job.

I hope this gives someone some hope for future procrastination.

Tessa –

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Snow, sleet, and ice – enough already… (this was from March 3, 2015)

This is a bad time of year for me anyhow as the seasons affect my moods. I would just stay in if I could, but I have so many doctor appointments that I have to go to and now they are predicting another big storm, including more ice. I have trouble walking without ice to help me fall.

I have had 2 major falls without ice and both of them I ended up falling face first and managing to miss hitting my face. I am lucky. Just cuts and bruises and pulled muscles to add to my Fibromyalgia pain.

Back to the ice. We still have ice from the other day and what melted earlier today has now frozen up again. We still have snow so this can go on forever as it is, but they are predicting more ice with this new storm tomorrow.

Tomorrow, of course, I have an appointment. I need this appointment as it is the one with my psyche nurse and we need to discuss my medications and she is only there one day a month. Please pray that this stupid storm waits until I get home. This is one that I have to park in the city parking garage and walk half a block to the doctor’s office. Besides having trouble walking, add in the ice because they hardly shovel the walks and I have to get across a busy street without a light to help or even a cross walk. Then I get to climb to the 2nd story . Get to go to the same office on Thursday for my therapy appointment.

I guess I am whining. I am pretty angry right now with the weather and how I feel. I need warm weather and sunny days.

Wish me luck!

Tessa

Where is Spring? 2015

Taken by Teresa Dean Smeigh

There is spring on my page. Picture taken on one of my nature walks with a friend last spring/summer. My friend and I spent a lot of time in the different nature areas in the state parks near the Pine Barrens in the state of NJ. It is hard for me to walk, but my doctor wants me to walk everyday for at least 30 minutes, preferably 60 minutes. Right now that isn’t possible although last summer we had gotten closer to walking at least a half an hour before I needed a break. Walking in the nature areas is softer and easier on my feet. I can’t handle walking on harder surfaces for long at all. The only major problem is that we have to deal with ticks. They freak me out and after our walks have to look for the little buggers.

My son dug out a space on the road so I could park my car out there and get in and out easily enough. The snow plow only does one single land sweep down the street. There are 3 cars here and my dad is in the driveway and my son and I are on the street. Between the trees and the way the house is positioned we are usually the last ones with snow. It is quite deep and very icy so it will take a while to melt.

As the weather gets milder I should start walking again and take my camera. I have a lot of digital pictures, but not sure if there are some I can use to spice up my pages. I need the picture to go with the post. I am finding writing a post everyday harder than I thought.

Today is Saturday and every Saturday my friend and I meet for brunch and talk about everything, but part of the conversation is geared to decluttering. I personally am a hoarder (low level) and have a problem letting go. This blog will also contain my progress once I restart. I just went through a severe depression and that halted my progress. I was manic for about 4 weeks and got so much done and then bam I started sliding backwards again. Perfectly normal state of affairs for me. Like I said in an earlier post “I want my mania back!”

Tessa

Why? For those that are new to this blog this is why I started this blog in 2015

I have asked myself this several times. Why am I writing this blog rather than working on my story/poem blog and the best I can answer is because writer’s must write something and I need to get a lot out of my system according to my psycho-therapist. I know he wants me to journal and to work on my childhood. Your childhood is what forms you and so it makes sense to try and work on that part of my life. I have resisted so far, but I find myself starting to get a little excited and if that means writing a journal style blog rather than my story/poem blog for now then so be it. Writing is writing.

If I am honest I am dwelling on things that happened in my past and they are overcoming my current existence. I will say I will be writing this in no particular order. I will write as the thoughts come so we can go from past to present and possibly even the future and back again. I find it difficult with my mental health to stay focused on the present. I am a worrier (someone has to do it) and so tend to constantly be thinking of multitudes of things at one time. My thoughts race due to the BiPolar Disorder and to add to that I have Borderline Personality Disorder which means my moods cycle more rapidly than someone with just Bipolar Disorder and I never know what mood I might be in. Go from mania to depression in 30 minutes or less and wonder how you would feel if you can. It is not fun. My family never knows what to expect from me.

I also have Anxiety and Panic Disorders, OCD (Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder), PTSD and possibly ADHD thrown in for good measure. The ADHD was never officially diagnosed, but I was on Ritalin for a while and it did help me focus better. Right now I can’t focus on anything much for very long. I start something and find my mind and body focusing on something else and before I know it I have 20 projects started and none completed and that adds to the hoarding problem I have. I am a low-level hoarder and you won’t find nasty food or animal feces all over. I have a cat and she has a cat box which thankfully she uses. I belong to several online groups for the clutter/hoarding and they are giving me positive support to help me through the experience of trying to  clean it all up. Will I ever get it all cleaned up. I would like to say yes, but it is doubtful as I work on it depending on my moods and with the mania I feel like doing it, but the depression I would rather stay in bed and that is usually what I do. I have made a difference in here during my last mania session, but now I am severely depressed and I really don’t care at this point. I am even starting to slide backwards. That is why I doubt it is possible to finally get it all cleaned up.

Speaking of support groups, I have gone to a local one in real life. Little bit harder to talk about these things face to face with a group. I do much better with online groups.

My head is full of things to write for this blog. Shame I can’t focus that on something more creative, but maybe a rest from that will be good for me.

Tessa

Is it Possible to Work with Bipolar Disorder?

By Teresa Smeigh April 2019

It is estimated that only 50 to 60 percent of people with Bipolar Disorder can hold down full-time employment. I worked during most of my adult life and I had to juggle my Bipolar Disorder. At first, I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I was in my 30’s before I got an official diagnosis.

 My major problem was focusing on my work. My mind was constantly roaming here and there. Sometimes it was racing thoughts and sometimes I was simply day-dreaming. My supervisors were constantly giving me partially bad reviews on my work. I was a good worker when I could stay focused on what I was doing, but when unfocused or day-dreaming, I lost out on valuable work time and employers just don’t understand that. You are there to work, not waste time thinking about other things.

When you have Bipolar Disorder, you can walk through the days as carefree as anyone who is considered normal one day, and a few weeks later be unable to drag yourself out of bed. Missing days is something else bosses don’t like.

Through the ups and downs of your illness you must show up on time and perform your job. If you feel mania coming on it is best to contact your doctor who can advise you. Multi-tasking is hard when you can’t keep your focus on your work. Have a friend who can alert you when you become super talkative or are talking inappropriately. That is one of the major problems with mania. Also take care with your emails. During mania your life can become out of your control and you don’t want your emails sent to everyone when you aren’t thinking straight.

When depressed, one of the biggest problems you deal with is getting to work. You struggle out of bed and sometimes that is as far as you get. More lost time at work.

You are under no obligation to disclose your disability to your employer. It is up to you as to when you disclose and to whom you choose to confide in. Some people go years or even decades without letting their employer know about their illness and some never make the disclosure. If your work is going well there is no reason to tell the employer.

If, however, things are not going well it can be important to carefully disclose your illness. I have been told you should talk to someone in human resources. Although you may want to talk to your supervisor, it is best to seek out someone in HR so all official policies are followed. In addition, your HR representative is bound by confidentiality requirements. Telling your supervisor or co-workers can seem like a good idea, but in the end can make your illness part of the gossip mill.

I told my supervisor and coworkers at one of my last jobs. They took it well and didn’t discuss it with everyone. However, when things were going bad, my supervisor would send me home and tell me not to come back until I was under control. My work started suffering more than normal and my last review there was bad, and I was denied a raise, even a cost of living raise. I hadn’t realized until that time and I began to think about past jobs, that my Bipolar Disorder had indeed disrupted my work experience over the years.

I worked for several more years after that last job laid me off, but eventually I went out on disability for both physical and mental illnesses.

When I was stable, I was a good employee and worked hard. When the Bipolar Disorder was running rampant, I was constantly having troubles with any job I had.

Tessa –

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Sharing with others the ups and downs of Bipolar Disorder – An Article by Me That was Never Published

I have looked on International Bipolar Foundation (IBPF) to see if I ever posted this article and I did not see it listed so I am going to post it on here as I no longer write for them and I believe it is still my work since they didn’t post it on their site that I can see. You can use the above link if you are interested in reading the Bipolar Disorder articles I wrote for them.

I don’t feel stigmatized by having Bipolar Disorder. I find it a way that I can help others. I have been through just about everything that you can experience with this disorder. I am not embarrassed and feel thankful to be able to help others.

There are times that I feel useless. I am disabled in physical ways and so I don’t work anymore. Working with my bipolar was hard, but I didn’t even realize I had a problem then. I never could focus. I was always daydreaming and my reviews always mentioned this. Since I daydreamed all my life it was just an annoyance that my bosses didn’t like and I had no idea how to stay focused. I now know that I was dissociating from my life and had to be snapped back into this world. Now that I understand, I can help others.

Another thing is self-harm. I have bit and chewed the skin off my fingers since I was a little girl. The more upset and anxious I was, the worse the biting. I now know that is a part of self-harm. Self-harm just isn’t cutting like I thought it was and I tried cutting. It didn’t give me what I needed, but tearing the skin off my fingers did. People were surprised to find out that there are many types of self-harm besides cutting. I also pick scabs on my head mostly although I do also pick at loose skin as well.

I have bipolar 1 with psychosis. I see, hear, and feel things. I find this depends on the medications I take. The medications can also affect my dreams. I have horrendous dreams. I wake up screaming. If you take medications and find that you suffer from the above-mentioned problems, perhaps you need to try another medication. At least talk it over with your psychiatrist.

Mania has a lot of behaviors that are hard to control. Spending, hypersexuality, thoughts of grandeur and even thoughts that you are Jesus or God or someone else famous. Again, talk with your psychiatrist or in the case of thinking you are someone on a grand scale perhaps your psychiatrist can help and maybe even a change in medicine is needed.

Some people can take just a mood-stabilizer (anti-psychotic) for bipolar, but for me just a mood stabilizer causes depression rather than stabilization. I must take an anti-depressant as well to boost me out of the deep, deep depression.

Suicide is a real danger with bipolar or any mental illness. Please talk it over with your psychiatrist, therapist, a suicide call line or simply go to the hospital. I have been twice. Once for attempted suicide and once for psychosis with suicidal ideations. Inpatient can be difficult, but you are safe there.

As I said I do not hesitate to talk about my bipolar, anxiety, panic attacks, OCD and Post Traumatic Syndrome. If someone needs help, I am there for them.

If you feel suicidal or even worried about mental illness being a problem for you then go see a therapist or psychiatrist for a full work up. If the suicidal thoughts are severe and you are ready to do it, please go directly to the hospital.

Your life is worth it. Everyone’s life is worth it.

Tessa –

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com