Pain, Knee Injection, Psycho-Analysis

Due to my upcoming steroid injection in my knee on Tuesday I had to cut out any pain killer that is an NSAID. If used it could cause dangerous bleeding. So by cutting out my Meloxicam, the pain became worse.

I have spent most of the last few days in bed. Laying down is less painful than sitting. If I had a couch I could sit with my legs straight, but since I don’t have one, sitting in a 4 legged chair or my computer chair is quite painful.

My knee is not the only painful area. My back is still a problem. I still feel my spine moving and popping. My whole body is an issue.

I mentioned that I was losing my therapist and then the whole office was closing down. My last appointment was last Tuesday, well I slept right through it. In a way, I am glad, since that eliminated the emotional part. I figure since I am not in a panic, that things are good and maybe it is time to let it go for good.

I still have my psychiatric nurse who prescribes my medications for my mental issues and is willing to talk if I need it. She does therapy too, but way out of my budget.

I can’t take much more of this pain and need to lie down again. The longer I am without my NSAID the worse my arthritis pain gets. Getting there on Tuesday and then having only a local anesthetic I am going to really be in pain. I can’t be knocked out unless I go to a surgical center or the hospital due to my BMI since I am obese. I have been knocked out with no problems, but new laws won’t allow it done in a procedure center at the pain management office. If what they give me is an anesthetic I would hate to have it without. The pain is tremendous. They tell me it will just feel like a bee sting. I would like that bee to sting them. That is the worse bee sting I have ever had.

My neighbor is driving me home. I drove myself last time. It was possible, but having someone drive you is much more comfortable. My dad used to drive me before he had a stroke.

Can’t wait until it is over.

Tessa – 

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Author of a book, a work in progress on the blog, https://tessacandoit.com/government-property-a-memoir-as-a-military-wife/

Highlighted chapters are done and ready to be read.

Rebecca’s of Beckie’s Mental Mess Prompt – July 24, 2019

Week #8 

Prompt #1  Write a narrative of what works for you when in the midst of a crisis, such as, anxiety/panic attack or a manic episode.  Please give an example of what happened, and how you broke free from it.

Example: Coping skills, talking to a family member or a friend, and/or therapy, mediations… (Just to name a few).

I suffer from panic attacks and I find that deep breathing and talking to myself helps. I might chant “You can do this!” While driving I would pull off the road and get myself back under control. Taking a train trip by myself and having to switch trains twice was nerve-wracking and the panic attacks started me off deep breathing and telling myself that you don’t want to lose it here, no one knows where you are and you don’t want to land in a psychiatric unit in a part of the state you aren’t familiar with.

I also suffer from manic episodes. A couple of years ago I had one that landed me in the hospital. I was having delusions which got me labeled Bipolar 1 with Psychosis. All the sounds were magnified and we lived near a train track, an airport and even the neighbors sounded overly loud. I swore people were staring in my second-floor window.

I talked to my son and dad about what I was seeing and hearing and the final consensus was that I needed to go to the hospital for that one. They didn’t even trust driving me as they weren’t sure how wild I might end up. An ambulance was called and I was transported for that one.

Prompt #2 Pick One or Both The Photos/Pictures and explain how it makes you feel?

Example: In any format you choose!  (Poetry, Short Prose, etc…)

 

Photo #1:

Visual of the image is that of heavy rain with the sun shining and pouring on a plant up against a rock wall.

This actually makes me feel calm. I find water in many forms soothing except for thunder and lightning showers since I am terrified of them.

Photo #2

Visual of the image is a field of flowers in the colors of a rainbow and above it is a bright rainbow against a beautiful blue sky.

This flat out freaks me out. It is too bold, bright and down-right offends me as it is not realistic. I know you can plant seeds to grow it that way, but it shouldn’t be that way.

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I thank each and every one of you in advance for participating in the “Working on Us” series.  Remember, we share because we care. 

Take Care & God Bless,

Beckie 💚

Beckies Rules:

• Write your own post and create a pingback to the original post here.
• There are no right or wrong answers.  Write in any format you see fit.  (Answer’s, fiction, non-fiction, poetry, poem, short prose…anything).
• You can do one or all prompts.
• You have from July 3rd. through to July 9th to submit your entries.
• Please reblog the original post in order to spread more awareness.
• If you the blogger have a suggestion/question you want to ask in the future weeks, please submit them in the comment section of this post.
• Let’s see if we can get some men involved in this weeks prompts, your feelings a validated here too!
• Plus, as an added bonus, whoever responds to the following prompts will automatically be reblogged to promote your blog site!

Tessa – 

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Author of a book, a work in progress on the blog, https://tessacandoit.com/government-property-a-memoir-as-a-military-wife/

Highlighted chapters are done and ready to be read.

 

 

Rebecca’s of Beckie’s Mental Mess Prompt – July 17, 2019

Week #7 (Delicate Topic) – Suicide Ideation

Prompt #1 Questions

1. Have you ever experienced suicidal thoughts? Yes and quite often.
2. Have you ever attempted suicide? Yes, I did try, but fortunately, I didn’t succeed. My daughter had me committed.
3. Were you ever hospitalized for a suicidal attempt and/or ideation? Yes, twice and the first time it was for 9 days and not voluntary. The second time I went in voluntarily so only had to stay 3 days if they thought I was fit to leave. 
4. When you were hospitalized, what was your experience like? Being locked in and knowing you are not allowed to leave when you want or do what you want is hard to deal with. All your belongings are gone through and you could only eat with plastic cutlery. Family visitation was very short. Anything with laces was taken away or they took the laces out. You went to bed when they said and got up when they said and they checked your room every 15 minutes at night to make sure you are in bed and sleeping. It was pure hell.
5. Do you ever feel suicidal ideation since your release? Yes occasionally, but I promised my family I would not do it again which sometimes is hard to honor.

I thank each and every one of you in advance for participating in the “Working on Us” series.  Remember, we share because we care. 

Take Care & God Bless,

Beckie 💚

Beckies Rules:

• Write your own post and create a pingback to the original post here.
• There are no right or wrong answers.  Write in any format you see fit.  (Answer’s, fiction, non-fiction, poetry, poem, short prose…anything).
• You can do one or all prompts.
• You have from July 3rd. through to July 9th to submit your entries.
• Please reblog the original post in order to spread more awareness.
• If you the blogger have a suggestion/question you want to ask in the future weeks, please submit them in the comment section of this post.
• Let’s see if we can get some men involved in this weeks prompts, your feelings a validated here too!
• Plus, as an added bonus, whoever responds to the following prompts will automatically be reblogged to promote your blog site!

Tessa – 

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Author of a book, a work in progress on the blog, https://tessacandoit.com/government-property-a-memoir-as-a-military-wife/

Highlighted chapters are done and ready to be read.

 

 

Bipolar Brain – Poem

Bipolar Brain
by Teresa Dean Smeigh
copyright October 2015

I wish my brain would
Give up its secrets easily.
Not drag them out should
I start to act uneasily.

Sneaky memories pushed out
By horrible nightmares.
No one cares so much about
My hidden awful cares.

Are these memories true?
Or just triggered by my dreams.
They come in out of the blue.
And some just give me screams.

On top of the World!

One moment I am on top of the world

and the next I am feeling blue, blue, blue.

Such is the life when you have mood swings.

My doctor calls it Bipolar Disorder 2.

Tessa

Rebecca’s of Beckie’s Mental Mess Prompt – July 3, 2019

Week #5  Prompts: 

(Note this week’s suggestion came from Sophienaylor1 of “Girl vs. World” brought up eating disorders which by all means is a subject worth bringing more attention to.  However, I’m going to break this into (2) separate questions for Prompt #1).

Prompt #1  (Questions)

Question #1  If an eating disorder isn’t about food or weight, what is it all about?  And, what has it done to you personally? I think it is about control. When I was a child I was a very thin child up till I got pregnant of course, but that was different. My mother kept her bird eyes on me and if I put a pound on she took away my food until I was back to where I was. This was constantly happening and I think she is the cause of my eating disorder. When I got married and on my own, I was determined no one else would be in charge of what I ate. She did not do this to my sister and I don’t understand why she did it to me only. We are built the same and just like her. She was taking my food away, but she was heavy, much heavier than I ever was at that time in my life. The result was that I can’t control my eating and I am diabetic on an insulin pump. I need to lose weight, but the insulin puts weight on and now the Lyrica if I continue it will also put weight on. Plus I eat too much of the sweets I shouldn’t have because of my diabetes. I tried overeaters anonymous for a while, but I didn’t find it helpful for me. Losing weight would help many of my conditions, but it doesn’t seem to be happening.

Question #2  What is the most difficult thing to handle with your disorder?  (This applies to everyone). Having people tell me I shouldn’t be eating something when I obviously am not hungry since I am so heavy. At times I go through binging times and I would eat as if I was starving. It’s embarrassing at times. My sister is still struggling not to give into the eating, but she is getting heavier all the time. All that fighting and we don’t get anywhere and we both have one daughter who is fighting the weight gain like us, both had children. All were thin as children. One of the two that are still thin, one has had 2 children and doesn’t fight the weight as much, the other has no children yet. Part of it is mental and part of it is our body shapes from our genetics. My other daughter who has been fighting hard to lose her baby weight is pregnant again and 40 years old. She thought it was hard before, but she will most likely find this time around worse.  

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Prompt #2 (Photo Prompt)

(For visually impaired, this is a picture of a woman holding up a mirror in front of her and the reflection is that of the back of her).

She is hiding from her true self, It means she is looking inwards.

I thank each and every one of you in advance for participating in the “Working on Us” series.  Remember, we share because we care. 

Take Care & God Bless,

Beckie 💚

Beckies Rules:

• Write your own post and create a pingback to the original post here.
• There are no right or wrong answers.  Write in any format you see fit.  (Answer’s, fiction, non-fiction, poetry, poem, short prose…anything).
• You can do one or all prompts.
• You have from July 3rd. through to July 9th to submit your entries.
• Please reblog the original post in order to spread more awareness.
• If you the blogger have a suggestion/question you want to ask in the future weeks, please submit them in the comment section of this post.
• Let’s see if we can get some men involved in this weeks prompts, your feelings a validated here too!
• Plus, as an added bonus, whoever responds to the following prompts will automatically be reblogged to promote your blog site!

Tessa – 

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Author of a book, a work in progress on the blog, https://tessacandoit.com/government-property-a-memoir-as-a-military-wife/

Highlighted chapters are done and ready to be read.

 

 

Rebecca’s of Beckie’s Mental Mess Prompt – June 26, 2019

Week #4 – Question Segment:  

How do you deal with the Stigma surrounding your mental disorder/illness? I don’t let it bother me. I take the time to help people understand and I am willing to talk about it to anyone who really wants to know. I have found most people are genuinely interested and want to know about it. 

Does the Stigma associated with mental health bother you?  If so, in what way? It doesn’t bother me personally, but I hate to see others treated badly due to it. 

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🌻RULES:

The following question/suggestion for this week Prompt #1 comes from Carol Anne of “Therapy Bits”.  I,  for one, think that this is an awesome question (s).

Prompt #1 Questions:

How do you deal with the Stigma surrounding your mental disorder/illness?

Does the Stigma associated with mental health bother you?  If so, in what way?

 

Prompt #2 Picture:

(The following picture is that of a brain inside a birdcage)

 

Once again, write your own post and create a pingback to the original post here.

There are no right or wrong answers.

You can do one or both prompts.

You have from June 26th through to July 2nd to submit your entries.

Please reblog the original post in order to spread more awareness.

If you the blogger have a suggestion/question you want to ask in the future weeks, please submit them in the comment section of this post.

Plus, as an added bonus, whoever responds to the following prompts will automatically be reblogged to promote your blog site!

~ 💚 ~

I thank each and every one of you in advance for participating in the “Working on Us” series.  Remember, we share because we care. 

Take Care & God Bless,

Beckie 💚

 

 

Rebecca’s of Beckie’s Mental Mess Prompt – June 19, 2019

I chose this segment as this very thing happened to me.

Week #3 – Question Segment:  

Here are a few coping statements, do you agree or disagree?  Even if your answer is yes or no, please explain:

1. This situation of sitting on a fully packed train either makes you feel uncomfortable or unpleasant, but I can accept it? I was extremely uncomfortable having agreed to ride on the train to meet my friend who was in North Jersey whereas I was located in South Jersey. By car, it is about 3 hours or less, but with 3 changes of trains and my terrible anxiety, it was taking me longer. Driving would have been more anxiety for me than this. 
2. Can I ride out the wave of anxiety, or do I feel like I need professional help now? I was panicking and I kept telling myself that if I freak out and they take me to the hospital my family wouldn’t know where I was. So I tried deep-breathing and telling myself over and over that I was OK and that I could do this. 
3. Do you practice coping skills? If so, what works best for you? I really don’t have coping skills unless you consider deep-breathing and talking to myself over and over a coping skill. 

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Beckie Wrote:

June 19, 2019, Week #3 – “Working on Us” – A Mental Health Questionaire, Plus a Photo Prompt – You Decide

🌻RULES:

Each week I will ask a question or questions pertaining to mental health and add a photo prompt.  Your job, if you so choose to join along, is to write a post on your own blog, and creating a ping-back to the original post.  

🌻It is up to you the reader to decide how you want to answer questions and/or photo prompt.  If you want to write a non-fictional or fictional piece, poetry, whatever… Whatever you choose to do, I will, therefore, reblog what you have written.  This is one way to not only promote your site but also spread awareness to all things mental health related. 🌻

As an added bonus… Since there are so many different mental health illnesses/disorders,  YOU, the blogger can send me a comment as to what you would like to be the next question (s), and they will be addressed in future posts.  

🌻What is the reason behind the “Mental Health Prompts of “Working on Us” (?) It’s fairly simple actually.  I’d like this series to be an all-inclusive mental health community blog in order to be a source of more support towards one another.  Idea’s, suggestions, and advice can be shared amongst the group.🌻

So, Are We Ready for Week# 3?  I am going to start with two prompts.  You can pick one or both, and again, you can choose how you want this to be written.  Don’t forget to create a pingback to the original post, this way I can share with more people within the mental health community, as well as promote your blog site!

Week #3 – Question Segment:  

Here are a few coping statements, do you agree or disagree?  Even if your answer is yes or no, please explain:

1. This situation of sitting on a fully packed train either makes you feel uncomfortable or unpleasant, but I can accept it?
2. Can I ride out the wave of anxiety, or do I feel like I need professional help now?
3. Do you practice coping skills? If so, what works best for you? 

 

Week #3 – Photo Prompt: What does this picture signify or evoke in you?  (Again, you can write however you see fit).

Photo Credit: Pinterest

Now, remember to create a pingback on your own blog.  If you are having difficulties with pingbacks, copy your title and enter it in the comment section of this post.  

I sincerely look forward to your responses and remember, there are no right or wrong answers.  Plus, as a bonus, I will reblog whatever it is you submit, this way your blog gets more attention as well.  

Thank you in advance,

Beckie 🌻

PS… Please Reblog This Post So Many More Can Join In!  Thank You!

Owwiiee! The torture continues!

Now I know he is doing this for my own good and maybe some day I will thank him, but right now I want to go ape shit on him. He is lucky he is my son and therefore a loved one because my doctors gets it full feelings in my funny/sarcastic way. Or perhaps at the top of my lungs depending on my mood. My psycho-therapist and I have had shouting matches. I am stubborn too so that doesn’t help when I get an idea in my head.

Yesterday’s walk was too much and today I am paying for it. I have severe back pain and spasms. Seems to me I got the last spasms from him making me walk. Now we only walked .4 miles and about 15 minutes the doctor’s requirement, but I can’t start that high. 5 minutes tops the first few days. So my son has decided if I am going to go only 5 minutes then I have to do it every day no matter what. I don’t see it that way and I count the walks through the grocery stores and the hike from the car. He doesn’t.

Now that he is a certified personal trainer I am really in trouble. He had to study nutrition with that and so my diet is under siege. Now I know I should eat better. I am overweight and have Diabetes Type 2. I know from experience that losing just 20 or so lbs can make a difference in my blood pressure and glucose numbers. I need to lose 120 lbs to get back to my regular body weight for my size (super short).

Now one of the ways the fibro doctors think helps the pain is to eliminate carbohydrates, white flour products (I think there is something else, but have forgotten it) and gluten from your diet. There goes everything I eat. I hate foods that are GOOD for you. Really hate them and add that to my compulsive eating which is of course everything that is bad for me and I eat from boredom, pain or whatever. I have no self control in a depressed state for sure. I don’t care! Manic I am more apt to follow the daily recommended diet.

Now the good thing about this is that I have a guardian now, which I really needed. He doesn’t buy my excuses and he knows that most of them are excuses. I will admit that. I am good for making excuses. I am also lazy, undisciplined and used to people leaving me alone. When your son lives with you it doesn’t work that way.

Tessa –

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com

Hypersexuality/BiPolar Disorder— my story (2015)

Excerpted from: Bipolar Disorder & Sex (this affected me, please read after the excerpt)

As with other aspects of living with bipolar disorder, sexuality and sexual activity can swing back and forth between periods of hyper sexuality during a manic phase, and complete loss of sex drive during a depressive episode.

This can wreak havoc on relationships and a person’s sexual self-esteem.

Sexuality During Mania

Hyper-sexuality is an increased level of interest in sex or increased amount of sexual activity that can seem out of control. It is characterized by:

• never feeling sexually satisfied despite engaging in a lot of sexual
  activity
• sex drive that seems out of control
• not having sexual gratification
• having sex with multiple sex partners, including strangers
• excessive masturbation
• having continuous affairs and putting relationships at risk
• inappropriate and risky sexual behavior
• sex is used as a “painkiller” to avoid intimacy and other aspects of human relations that are feared
• not having emotional satisfaction from sex
• poor sexual impulse control
• preoccupation with sexual thoughts
• possible increase in use of pornography

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I have had Bipolar Disorder since I was a very young child. I also had no self-esteem. As I think back to my teenage years I think about the way I dressed and the way I acted. My self-esteem was built on how I looked to men. I wore sexy items, mini skirts and tight sweaters or even short shorts and halters. I was 4’11” and weighed only 86 lbs and had a large bust.  I paraded around this way and felt good if a man noticed and felt even better if they almost ran off the road. I had no idea why I acted this way. (Now I am over twice my weight and don’t dress like that) Now I experienced most of what is in the list above. Not all men care what your size is and I was out of control on the Internet finding men to have sex with. I couldn’t even tell you how many strangers I had sex with. I was lucky I was never hurt. However, as a 15 and 16 year old I had 2 attempted rapes. I was able to get away as the guys were drunk and I wasn’t. My therapist was horrified when I told him, but he was concerned for my safety. I told him I hadn’t done that for many years now. I have more control of myself, but barely. When I am fully manic I have to fight for control. I fantasize a lot and write erotic stories to try and calm myself down. Of course sometimes it just winds me up more. I have plenty of batteries. 🙂

Teresa Dean Smeigh at age 16

Tessa –

Advocate for mental health and invisible illnesses, also a devout Christian

Author – http://www.finallyawriter.com (this blog contains my old work mostly although occasionally I do add something new here), new work is mainly on this blog http://www.tessacandoit.com