Why God? Why?!?

Dear God,

I beseech you. Why must I go through all this pain again? Is it Karma catching up to me? I am no saint, but I don’t believe that I deserve all the pain I have had during this life.

It started as a child and increased with age. Mentally and physically both. No break in the agony I must suffer. As a mere child, infant actually since the anxiety started in infancy, I have gone through life with bipolar disorder, the anxiety with panic attacks, OCD and PTSD and recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and psychosis with my Bipolar Disorder 1. I am 60 now, isn’t that enough punishment for whatever I did in this or a previous life? Or is this part of your plan for me. I don’t see the purpose of having to live in constant pain.

As a child I had constant sprained ankles, my knees and hips would go out of place constantly. My arthritis started when I was in my 20’s and constantly increased. The spine started degenerating not much after that. Chronic pain for 40 years. 7 years ago I dealt with pinched nerves in the neck and probably the back. but the back didn’t show up til later so not caught on the tests, but the numbness and pain were there. I was also finally diagnosed with Fibromyalgia which explained so many things and believe me now, that son of a bitch is flaring now from this most recent pinched nerves in the neck and back. The other night my whole body started to feel numb and the pins and needles that accompany that.

Due to the new laws on narcotics I couldn’t even have enough to take them every 4 hours to reduce the pain. I had to stretch it out to 1or at the most 2 at night so I could sleep. I have 1 pill left for tonight and don’t know if the orthopedic dr can write more tomorrow because I couldn’t get into pain management till October 17. Still have over 3 weeks to wait. Not my fault they are booked up. I have to wait my turn like everyone else.

Maybe I don’t have enough empathy for others. Is that my sin? Do I need to go through this to learn empathy? I try to be empathetic. At some times maybe I am not so empathetic because I am going through my own problems. Have you decided that I should feel what others feel so I learn that lesson?

It is so maddening to have to go through this and because of some dumbasses out there I can’t even get the pain meds I need to get me through a day even. Every day is pain, pain, pain. I want to cry and sometimes I do when I get to a point that it seems impossible that I can get through this.

I am thankful that the orthopedic dr doesn’t think I need surgery at least. The steroid shots are bad enough. What physical therapists have told me about back and neck surgery tells me that I don’t want surgery done. That things are usually worse afterwards. So I pray that you don’t see fit to make that part of your plan for my life. But is this much better??

Someone going through the same things can understand what I am feeling. The pain you must deal with whether you want to or not. I  have this to look forward to quite often as it is the inflammation from the arthritis in the spinal area expanding the hard surfaces and pushing on the nerves. Inflammation is constant in my body and those people who tell me that getting sugar out of my body will take this pain away are not exactly right. Over 4 months with very little sugar/carbs and where is that decrease in pain and inflammation.

Did the exercise my drs, family and friends push me to cause the increase in the inflammation? I was doing the Silver Sneakers program for seniors, but it was pretty rigorous still. I had to modify a lot for me to do it in the very beginning. I did feel just a little less pain in my Fibro spots, but about 5 to 6 weeks in something happened and the pain got worse and I didn’t put 2 and 2 together until I felt all the numbness in my toes and fingers and headed to the ER again. When they told me it was pinched nerves in both places remembrance of the first episode started coming back.

Hopefully one day soon this will just be a bad memory and part of my chronic pain which believe it or not you can live with, just not a quality life and your family and friends get tired of the complaints and the limitations as you give them excuse after excuse why you can’t do something with them.

I have almost given up on people understanding unless they have been through it themselves, just like mental illness. Unless you have it, you find it hard to understand and even at that we are all different.

Dear God, please hear my prayer for healing, please forgive my complaints about your motives since I am only a human who is trying to understand your reasoning  for my current and actually my entire life. I walked away from you for 40 years because I couldn’t understand why if there is a God he would let people suffer so, not just me. My faith is wavering again. I still don’t understand what your plan for me could possibly be or for others who have it worse than me. Please show me the way.

Teresa (Tessa) Dean Smeigh

-Advocate for Mental and Invisible Illnesses

-Author of Articles, Stories and Poems

http://www.tessacandoit.com

http://www.finallyawriter.wordpress.com (moving posts to other blog and will be deleting this one).