How My Depression Made Me Who I Am: Coping Entry 1.5

A great story of coping with Depression.

Dear Hope

Growing up my father used to ask me almost daily what my life story was. To make conversation sometimes on the phone or at the dinner table, in bouts of silence, he would shout “So son, tell me your life story!” which in turn would prompt me to say: “My life story? It’s nothing special.”

And now 21 years later I realize I never once honestly answered his question. Granted he knew most of my life, I never told him the story from my point of view.

I never answered the question for him, or myself, the one thing that truly matters;

Who am I?

To answer this I think I have to start as early as I can remember.

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Me on the right with my brother Kevin.

Growing up as a child I was very fortunate to have two parents who cared for me and loved me. I’m…

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Kill the mousie!

I am so fed up with this mouse I am about to throw it out the window. Although I will have to go find a window as the only one in my room has an AC unit in it.

My mouse was starting to quit so my friend the friendly computer guy nicely gave me a mouse for free. He said it is a cheap one. I say it is a worthless one. I am so mad and all the mice I have, old ones, either don’t work anymore or are the old kind with the old hook up and not USB and I can’t find that old adapter for it. We just had a storm and it might still be going on. I don’t want to go out again. So struggle I will for now.

Next on my hit list is my BiPap company. I haven’t used the machine because I couldn’t breathe through it and I waited til my dr appt and then did what he told me to do to have it checked out. They faxed him the info and I waited some more. I called that damn office twice without an answer and finally weeks later a woman who knows nothing called me back and said no we know nothing about it, but let me call so and so. So she did and I was told they were ordering the new mask. I waited another week, no mask so I called the Bipap company. Oh yes we got the order a week ago, but before we can fill it and your insurance will pay for it we need the chip and it must show 70% compliance. What compliance? I just got done telling numerous people from numerous offices that I can’t breathe with it and wasn’t using it. I am afraid there won’t be a 70% compliance and I can’t afford to pay for a new one. Heck 20% is terrible enough, but insurance won’t cover it unless it is within those percentages and I will have to pay for this quarter’s mask to get back in compliance. So mad I could chew nails.

I took all my nasty Adrenal Support, hope it helps my sleep tonight. Still have to take my night meds. 

I have soothing, relaxing music on with running water and birds and it is blanking out the music I hear in my ears all the time. Drives me crazy. the music in my ears and the meowing cat. Man she is loud and annoying. I need to relax more and forget the stupid machine and everything else I can’t do anything about. This too shall pass.

6 bottles of water down so far.

Tessa – feeling calmer and loving this music

A Friend in Need – by The Daily Post

A Friend in Need

Finish this sentence: “My closest friend is…”

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My closest friend is Flo and we met on an online clutter group and decided to meet in person and she was the one wearing the red shoes so I would know who she was.

Fibro Thursday and I got a decent sleep

For me 4 hours in a row is decent sleep and hasn’t happened since the last time I took the Stress and Adrenal support. It was only 2/3 of a day of the pills, but I feel different. I also added some new vitamins. 

My Fibromyalgia pain is down to like a 9. There has been some improvement.

I slept from 2 AM to 6 AM and then  I took all my pills and showered (good thing). I remember when I started my blog when I posted my morning activities it seemed to help me remember them. I need to get back in the habit so I rebuild those habits. 

I have had a whole bottle of water and a Boost Glucose Control Shake.

I used my inhaler which I was forgetting again as well as the pills. I have a weekly pill box and now 3 partitions of the day are filled. Good thing I can swallow a handful of pills at once or it would take forever to take them all.

Bottle 2 of water down the hatch. 

I am actually alert and not drowsy. Amazing! Hope this stays this way. Those pills are $60 a month and my dad says he will pay for them for me. Especially if it helps.

I have my posts in a more easily read amount and catching up on some. A lot I had to let go. New way of doing this. If I am not fully interested in the subject I will skip that one. A lot of these I don’t remember seeing before. I  may have followed people in my sleep after taking the Ambien. I have amnesia from that and do things and eat things. And it works like crap. Maybe if I keep the Adrenal stress up and it works on increasing my sleeping maybe I can cut down on the pills since they don’t do much for me anymore. I will give it some time before eliminating pills.

I am excited to be able to write stories and poems again. I really missed that.

Tessa

Two Common Questions about Health at Every Size

Another good one for us Fluffy People.

Dances With Fat

I got an e-mail from reader Sarah, who asked the two most common questions that I hear about starting a personal Health at Every Size practice.  I’m going to answer them but before I do, just a reminder that the rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness are not size, health, or “healthy habit”, dependent, nobody is obligated to pursue health or health habits by any definition.  Size Acceptance and Health at Every Size are two separate things, more about this here.

So the answers to these questions are for those who are interested in considering/practicing HAES, but we each get to choose how highly we prioritize our health and the path that we take to get their and that’s not anyone else’s business unless we decide to make it their business.  Now that we’re clear on that, here is Sarah’s e-mail:

I have been reading…

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Thankful Thursday – July 30, 2015

 I am thankful:

For my family and close friends – For my poor dad who had to calm me down at least 3 times when I got hysterically crying over the pain I was in.

Online friends for their support and love. 

I am thankful for renewing my belief in God. For the wisdom God grants me in order to help those that need it. For God and his acceptance of me back in the flock. And I am thankful for those that helped me back when I started to waver in my belief in God during the painful days.

For the roof over my head, the food I eat and the clothes I wear.

For my chiropractor who is working on my injured arm/shoulder and neck, though the work he did this week was why I am in so much pain. Starting a new vitamin regime.

For my computer so I can keep in touch and write my blog. This blog has become my life. I spend all my spare time on it. I am not accomplishing much else.

For my writing ability. I am becoming more aware of my talent and using it more frequently. I AM A WRITER! And I have started writing stories and poems again along with everything else. 

For being stable for about 14 weeks now. Still always worry if I start to feel sad or happy about something because afraid it means no more stabilization and going into either mania or depression. So far I am still stabilized with normal feelings. (But the hysterical crying concerned me and made me worry I was destabilizing)

For what little sleep I get. Some is better than none. Waiting for the new mask for my BiPap machine.

For my doctors and somehow the funds are there to see them.

For my cat who is always hungry. Still wasting food. Now she doesn’t like the new one from last week. Can’t win with her.

For my weekly brunch date with BFF which helps to keep me grounded in this world. And that she is non-judgemental.

Tessa — thankful for all I have provided for me