Another storm…I’m off to see the Wizard…on second thought! NOT!

We just had another pretty violent thunder and lightning storm. I hope it is over now. They haven’t cleaned up the mess from 2 weeks ago. 

I had to sit and wait today while taking my BiPap machine over to have it checked out. They were shutting down roads and just loading trucks and then every now and then they would stop the truck loading and let a few cars go. I hit 2 areas like that. And the area looks no better. It is going to take a while. My dad is still cleaning up our yard. We had lots of smaller branches, nothing big came down.

I had my therapy today and found out my therapist is leaving for 6 months to have hip surgery. I have to start with a new therapist. Not to happy about that. It takes a while to adjust to someone new and she knows nothing about me. I am going to have to start over pretty much. Plus I prefer male therapists. I am uneasy around women. 

I explained to my therapist that I am getting more and more afraid of driving. Always been afraid, but the accident and the day after the storm have done a real number on me. He thinks I should take a driving break. I don’t have a driver and besides it seems like a situation where you get back on the horse.

Today I had pork, cucumber and a banana so far. 

Tessa

Thankful Thursday – 7/9/15

 I am thankful:

For my family and close friends – I remember how I went through weeks or months and didn’t really miss anybody. I was isolating due to my illness and just wanted to be alone. I am thankful they still try to include me in things. I have a grandson’s birthday coming up in the end of July. That means a big family get together and a lot of people I am not comfortable with. Nice people, the problem is on my end. My daughter is closer to her mother-in-law and I can’t blame her. She always invites me over, but I don’t want to go out and drive all the way over there.

Online friends for their support and love. I feel well enough to really help others at this point. I am not weak anymore. I am letting the real me, the inside me, reveal itself and help others when I can. I really do want to finish my mother’s work in life, she helped people understand where they were in life and what their mission was and to just comfort where necessary.

For the roof over my head. Thought it was coming down on my head during that last huge storm we had.

For the food I eat. I am finally eating fruits and vegetables every day and I have lost weight.

For the clothes I wear. My sandals are falling apart, but I can still wear them. Hope they last the summer. I am hard to find shoes that fit.

For my chiropractor who is working on my injured arm.shoulder and neck. Unfortunately I had to skip 4 adjustments because it is vacation time.

For my computer so I can keep in touch and write my blog. This blog has become my life. I spend all my spare time on it. I am not accomplishing much else.

For my writing ability. I am becoming more aware of my talent and using it more frequently. I AM A WRITER! And I have started writing stories and poems again along with everything else. Right now I am taking a blogging course and they helped me add some new things I knew nothing about.

For being stable for about 12 weeks now. Still always worry if I start to feel sad or happy about something because afraid it means no more stabilization and going into either mania or depression. So far I am still stabilized with normal feelings. I ended up crying the other day because I dreamed something happened to my dad and he is my rock now, my only parent.

For what little sleep I get. Some is better than none. Looking into having my BiPap machine checked out. Something seems wrong with it.

For my doctors and somehow the funds are there to see them. I had my cat scan. Doctor says there is no new nodules, nothing to worry about, just a shady region that is probably an infection and I am prone to them so I have an anti-biotic.

For my cat who is always hungry. Still wasting food. Now she doesn’t like the new one from last week. Can’t win with her.

For my weekly brunch date with BFF which helps to keep me grounded in this world. Thankfully they were open on July 4th. Although my friend had trouble getting out of her town to meet me. She lived on the wrong side of the parade route.

For the wisdom God grants me in order to help those that need it. I am here for anyone who wants to talk. Even if all they want is someone to listen. I am still learning how to help and what people need. 

Tessa — thankful for all I have provided for me

Blogging 101- Day Four: Identify Your Audience

Today’s Assignment: publish a post you’d like your ideal audience member to read, and include a new-to-you element in it.

---

A little Haiku I wrote for the occasion: by Teresa Dean Smeigh 2015

Tigger or Eeyore,

Never know who it will be,

In control each day.

To my children,

I know our lives haven’t gone as you wished. Early in your lives you found out your mother had BiPolar Disorder. A mental disorder that you were too young to understand at that time. I didn’t even understand it at first. I was just a young child when it surfaced.

I lived this way all my life and it was a lot milder so you weren’t subjected to a lot of craziness you didn’t understand. I thank God that he waited until you were old enough before things started getting really messy and your understanding and help was needed.

I know you needed a mom who was there for you through thick and thin and I did my best to be that person. It wasn’t easy. I had to put aside the feelings inside of me, my dear children, in order to help you grow up and into productive adults. Unlike your mother who suffers constantly from Bipolar Disorder.

I feel that I wasted my life because I couldn’t cope with a regular life. I didn’t go for my dreams, too scared. I didn’t make you my priorities like some moms because I was taking care of myself. I was falling apart little by little.

I do my best to attend family get togethers even if I am not feeling up to it and would rather isolate in my bedroom. I love that you guys try to get me out of the house and into doing something with you and my well-loved grandchildren. Believe me I love you all even if sometimes it doesn’t seem that way since I am nurturing myself.

I know some of you do not understand mental health, but I also know that you love me and wouldn’t leave me to struggle alone if I needed up. You guys are there for me when needed.

And I want to make you a promise. I promise to never, ever try to take my life again. I saw the terrible hurt and pain in your faces and the tears and I can’t do that to you. I promise to seek help if ever I feel that way again.

Thank you very much for being my beloved children, I love each and everyone of you.

Love,

Your Mom (Teresa E Dean)