Blood sugars coming down in the afternoon now…

• I ended up back taking a nap around noon, but the cat was trying to climb all over me to get to the window to see out. Needless to say it wasn’t a long nap, mostly just rested my aching body.
• I went to the chiropractor and got adjusted. Not as painful as normal.
• I was late taking my 2nd dose of adrenal support and the detox.
• For dinner I had cheeseburger with no bun and some french fries. Except for the fries the burger really had no carbs except maybe 1 for the cheese.
• Took BS reading 1 hour after and it was 143 up from 105 before dinner. Just have to recheck before 2 hours to get the actual reading. I might finally be getting a handle on this. I just rechecked it at 2 hours and it was 250. That is not good. Still not under control.
• We walked at the park after dinner.
• I rechecked my sugar again at 5 hours. It is now down to 183. Still too high. Have to work harder. I know losing weight can help bring down BS. I hope I didn’t wait too long to finally get my butt in gear and try to get my BS’s under control.
• Took my night medications and hope to have an early night again. These early mornings and no naps are making me tireder earlier at night now. Maybe I will finally get onto a more normal sleep schedule.

Tessa

Blood sugars still low, now if I could bring down the later ones…

• I am doing better at least checking the fasting blood sugars and they are low, 78 today. No sense doing it later until I have my diet under control.
• I weighed myself and still 219, so still at 6 lbs lost. I know the numbers fluctuate, but I find them going up and down and up a little and then down until it drops to another small window. Right now holding at 219.
• Had a lot of water and my pills, inhaler, detox and nasty adrenal support chewable pills.
• Ate breakfast – eggs, no toast or meat.
• Today is my chiropractor appointment and that is going to be hell on my back for sure.
• Mood – not sure, depressed, not suicidal, but not happy about life in general.

Tessa

Day Dreams and Fantasies – the bain of my existence

I read another post which reminded me of this. As a child I spent most of my life either reading or day dreaming, the older I got the day dreams were about my crushes on movie starts and such.  I lived in another reality. I was thin and beautiful and these movie stars were all in deep love with me. I got in trouble in school, at jobs because I couldn’t focus and was day dreaming all the time. And I do mean all the time. I hated the world I lived in and sought to be in a happy place.

The older I got and more the mania took control I would have fantasies and they were x-rated. The stories I wrote then were x-rated too.  I got mixed up with men online and they loved those stories. I am not proud of the hyper-sexuality that led me to meet these unknown men from the internet. The fact it was dangerous never entered my head and my libido was in charge. I was already divorced for part of that time. For the beginning I had an open marriage in order to try to save our floundering marriage. It didn’t work. He found someone. He left and wanted a divorce. But I wasn’t really sorry as I wanted out and couldn’t be the one to break it up. We had kids. The youngest was 12 and went with him. The older 2 were adults. By the time the youngest turned 16 he demanded to live with me. I got my child back and became a single mother.

I no longer seek the internet for men, but the fantasies were out of control and when I told my therapist and psyche nurse they tweaked my medications. I have pretty much stopped fantasizing and/or daydreaming. I don’t have the daydreams of me and all the movie stars anymore either.

It was a dangerous life-style and I don’t recommend it for anyone who suffers extreme hyper-sexuality like I did.  I was lucky and I saw a lot of men in that time period. Any one of them could have been a killer or at the very least hurt me. My therapist knows all about this, but was much relieved when he found I wasn’t doing it anymore. What are the odds that I would meet that one crazy one soon considering how many I saw.

Tessa

Superhero vs. Exterminator – non-fiction

Superhero vs. Exterminator  <— original link on other blog

BY TESSA

Superhero vs. Exterminator

At my grandson’s preschool graduation they asked the children what they wanted to be when they grew up. All of them wanted to be ballerinas, superheroes, rock stars, etc.

My grandson – an exterminator.

Depressive spiral…

I am tired of the rain and the cold. I need to see the sun and warmth before I spiral any  lower. I probably should get back in the habit of opening the curtain in my room to make it not so dark and depressing. I can’t even begin to tell you what mood I am in right now. I am not suicidal thankfully, but just feel dead inside. It doesn’t help that my pain has been so bad since it got cold again.

• I went back to bed late this morning and slept til my son came home and was ready to eat. He also wanted to go to the store, so I had walking to do because he always parks far away and makes me walk. I have a handicapped placard, but he is trying to make me walk more. I understand his theory, but my body doesn’t like it and I usually suffer for it especially when we go to Walmart and he parks far away and then we walk all over the store with me leaning on a cart for support. 
• I had pizza again for dinner
• drank all my water and took all my meds – will be heading to bed soon and hoping for a better day tomorrow
• the cat is watching me from in front of her food bowl – she has food on it already
• tomorrow is the chiropractor appointment again and I can hardly wait for him to push on my back right where it hurts the most

Tessa