Another early night…

The early morning got to me. I ended lying down from noon to 4 PM when my son and I had dinner, a slice of pizza. Still no soda except one slip the other day, but one in a few weeks won’t cause a problem. I am sure by now I have broke the caffeine addiction.

After dinner I took another 2 hour nap. I am so drowsy from the medications that if I lie down I will usually fall asleep. I am trying to break the habit of going back to lie down.

My moods are fairly stable although I have to say I feel a little happier than normal and the depression is slight if at all right now. I had to drop my mood stabilizer back down since they are fighting the Latuda and I will run out of the one I have if I stay at the increased dose and they won’t let me refill early. So I am hoping to have enough to last as long as it takes. I hate medications.

Think I am going to try for another early night. I am still tired and kind of bored and don’t feel like writing. Maybe I am having an episode of mixed moods. I am going through another mood change. BPD is kicking in I think since I lowered the medication back to the old amount.

Later peeps,

Tessa

Early morning again!

I am getting used to these early mornings although today I might end up napping again because it was a rough night with the back pain.

• rose at 6:30 AM
• blood sugar fasting – 106
• showered – 3 in a row
• took my pills and detox, inhaler and those nasty adrenal gland pills
• 2 bottles of water already
• breakfast – eggs, no bread or meat

Tessa

Creative Blogger Award

It seems that I have been nominated for another award. No rules listed so will follow their format.

Thanks to hbhatnagar for nominating me!

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Five things about myself!

1. I am on SSDI (social security disability) and have been for 5 years.

2. I started writing poems when I was in 2nd grade at least. Youngest one I have found and pretty decent at that if I don’t say so myself.

3. I am a grandmother of 4, the oldest is 17 with a driver’s permit.

4. I’m a perfectionist. Drives me crazy at times.

5. I love to write and this blog keeps me going, so does the old one still. It is reviving now.

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I’m sure most of these people have already been nominated, but I nominate:

1. SassaFrass

2. Zoe

3. OzzyPlayaGirl

4. Raymond

5. Upside Down Chronicles

You are not required to complete this award. Take a look at the nominees blogs and give a follow if you enjoy them as much as I do.

Tessa

A Book of Triggers – By: Jason C. Cushman

Perpetual Potential Thin Person

As a “Perpetual Potential Thin Person” This post spoke to me. I have to lose some weight for my health, but I can still be me at this weight and not make myself crazy trying to lose it.

Dances With Fat

I am tired to death of the idea that I am not a fat person, but a perpetual potential future thin person.  A walking, talking “before” picture encouraged to put everything in the world on hold until I reach my “after” picture potential.

I remember when I believed this – when time slipped by as, diet by diet, I got closer, then farther, then less close, then more far, from the “after” version I was supposed to want to be.  All the while adding to my mile-long list of things I was going to do when I was thin and my life could officially start, and destroying my relationship with my body as we went from friends to barely acquaintances, to bitter enemies.

People told me “don’t think of yourself as fat, think of yourself as having fat.”   The idea being that I  was supposed to look at part of…

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Back throbbing, up again…

I tied to sleep and I did fall asleep around 11 PM and slept til almost 2 and then the throbbing in my lower back became so bad I had to get up and move around. So the mind was willing, but the body wasn’t so I am going to check blogs while my Ibuprophen tries to perform miracles that it can’t possibly do. I have nothing that does anything to this pain, doesn’t even touch it. It is just as well as I was having a hell of a nightmare.

Tessa

Fire, My Worst Nightmare (Non-fiction)

Fire, My Worst Nightmare (Non-fiction)  <—- link to other blog where originally posted

BY TESSA

I am terrified of fire, so bad, that as a child I was forbidden to watch the news or any shows, or movies, that might contain fire (obviously “Towering Inferno” was a no-no). It was and still is, a terrible phobia. Nightmares, panic etc. As an adult I have learned to live with it, and as long as it doesn’t involve me, the old fears do not return.

I was newly married and working in a restaurant. Someone came tearing through the building into the kitchen where I was looking for the fire alarm. Then came the smell of smoke. I panicked along with everyone else. We couldn’t go back and the kitchen and dining room were locked. Finally someone calmed down and threw a chair at the large dining room windows and we got out hacking and coughing.

We had to run beside the building (only a small path) with windows exploding and fire and glass raining down on us. I was petrified, but ran with the others.

We finally came out to the front of the building and just stared at the fire as it reached further and further. Real life fire to bring out my fears. I was choking on the smoke and now I understand how people die from smoke inhalation.

We all got out, thank God! No one got hurt except for the smoke inhalation.

I went through grueling interrogation along with everyone else. Hard to forget it when constantly reminded. I had horrible nightmares.

That fire was not a mistake. A disgruntled employee set that fire on purpose. That fire was set in a small office right near the restrooms that I had just come out of. That close, way too close.

I still panic whenever there is a fire drill or when the alarm goes off unexpectedly. Most new jobs would have a fire drill not long after my arrival and several of my work places had had fires and over the years have burnt down. They seem drawn to me.

I had one job that told us that no matter what we couldn’t leave until the evacuate siren sounded. We had work to do before we could leave. I told them I would not be staying if I saw one lick of fire. I can’t imagine many would stay and shut down machines if there was a real fire. I knew it wouldn’t be me.